Blind Cat Rescue

Hey everyone.  Currently at work right now.  I don't have anything to do at the moment.  It's supposed to get real busy this week though so I'm not complaining.  Not much going on.  I'm watching a ustream of blind cats. Blind Cat Rescue ustream if you want to check it out.  I can't remember if I've talked about BCR before or not.  Well, in case I didn't, the BCR is a home for kitties who are blind or have FIV or FELV.  Everyday, multiple times, the people who manage the houses do tours so you can see all the kitties.  When not doing tours they leave the camera up and running so you can watch the kitties anytime of day.  Most of the time when not on a tour they just sit on their poofy couches and sleep.  Occasionally you can catch them being cute though. :) On slow days like today it's fun for me to get to watch kitties.  Cheers me up some :)

It's been a nice week. The weather has been good and not too many hard things have happened to me. Today I spent the afternoon with some friends watching movies and had dinner together. I feel good right now. Perhaps it's the medication. Whatever the cause I'm grateful to be feeling good. 

Trapped

Well it's Thursday.  One more day and it's the weekend.  Weekends can be tricky for me.  I usually make plans to do things with friends and when I do, I have fun.  But lately, even after I have fun, I've been having anxiety attacks, too.  That's what last Sunday was.  I posted and then had an awful night with fear and the sense that something bad would soon happen and feeling trapped.  I was thinking about that analogy the other day of feeling trapped.  I was thinking this feeling I have isn't the same as feeling trapped like stuck in some place and you're trying your hardest to get out.  This feeling is one of feeling surrounded by monsters and demons and everything that brings you pain and hurt and fear and having nowhere to escape, thus you are trapped.  See they are different.  One is more debilitating than the other.  One is scarier than the other.

Anyways, as I was saying it's almost the weekend.  Work has been slow this week and I've had to suffer through being kicked out of my office at work so some new software could be installed on my computer and then troubleshooted by someone who knows nothing of what he is doing.  Ugh.  We possibly might be starting a new process at my second job that has more steps for me to do.  Yay :(  Not looking forward to it, but on the bright side, it might give me the chance to get more hours than I'm currently getting.  Money's good, yes?

So I don't know if I'll keep up with this blog much longer. I'm feeling really bad these days and I don't want to spread that on here, if anyone would even stick around for that.  I feel a lot of emotional pain and it's pretty difficult to deal with. My friends tell me to hang in there and it will get better, but I don't believe them. How could it. I can see my problems and I can't fix them. There is someone I want more in my life but this person doesn't want me. And how can I fault them. I'm too emotional, too intense, too depressed, too anxious, unable to be my own source of happiness, and more. 

I'm tired. 

Baseline & Doctor Who update

I have to say I appreciate the comments I get from time to time about my blog. They give me reason to keep posting, even though I don't usually have much to say. 

It was rainy and kind of cold today, but I didn't mind it too much. Still waiting for a good thunderstorm to roll in. I ran out of stuff to do at work today so I went home way early. I didn't know what to do with the free time. My check this week will be much less than normal :(  Yesterday and the second half of Monday I felt really good. Today however I can feel myself coming back down again. I'm not below baseline, but coming down mood-wise causes me to feel a little anxious. Because I know eventually I will go back below baseline and have to feel like crap again and fight my way back up. It's tiring :-/ 

I've almost finished the fourth season of Doctor Who. I must say David Tennant has grown on me. I'm sad that he'll be off the show soon. I was already sad they took Billie Piper off, but those episodes she came back for were brilliant :) I love moments where things just feel epic. That was one of them. It was kind of reminding me of Buffy the Vampire Slayer actually. 

Grateful

It's been a minute. I had a rough night last night and despite a good weekend just didn't feel like posting. But I'm back tonight. Can I just take a moment and say that I'm grateful for all of those who help me through my dark times. I have them a lot lately so I appreciate the support and patience and love and willingness to let me express my feelings especially when they are very intense and not pretty. I'm feeling really good right now and that is amazing considering I was the total opposite of that less than 24 hours ago. I'm very grateful. 

Anger

Things have been rough the last couple of days, inwardly at least. I've been feeling discontent. Easily angered. Speaking of anger I'm listening to my angry playlist today. I have to do a job away from my computer so I'm listening to the iPod to help pass the time, but cuz of the way I'm feeling the Disney playlist just wasn't sounding appealing. 

When I was at the doctor's office this week I was asked if I had anxiety and I struggled to answer cuz I wasn't sure. I don't have panic attacks, but I do feel anxious. One of the questions I had on this questionnaire to determine if I had anxiety was if I get easily irritable. Sometimes, like right now, I do. I think I'm trying to mask the anxiety I feel with anger. Anger will run out of fuel though and I'll be left with the things that I worry about and fear. Probably tonight is when it will happen. 

Blah, I dislike feeling this way.