Desires of the soul

I know I have many different types of people who read my blog and most often I try to be considerate and not too button-pushing with what I talk about. However tonight I think I will be more personal in my thoughts, more open, and say some things that some of you might not care to read about or agree with. 

I mention friends a lot, certain friends in particular. Finding a companion, soulmate, partner, or relation of that caliber is probably my soul's deepest desire and my most subconscious desire as well. Yes I have other very important desires too but this one seems to come unbidden from somewhere deep in my heart. It also tends to push my limits on what is healthy for me and appropriate in my quest to live a good life and also fulfill my desires. Sometimes what I want leads me to do or act in ways unhealthy. 

So with that in mind, I find life difficult for me to live at times. Because people and friendships come and go so fleetingly in life, and we have unrequited love, and losses that come out of our control. I mention my dear friend and how I fear losing her. I think of recent friends who I know will exit my life soon because of our different paths. All of it hurts me a lot because I want so badly deep meaningful permanent and enriching connections with friends. I want a best friend who will never leave me. I want my loved ones always in my life. I want to always get to be with them whenever and do whatever and share experiences. But I can't because that's not how life works. 

I believe and hope though that after this short mortal life we will get to always have our friends in our lives, never to have them exit again. And we'll have a better and deeper understanding of who each of our loved ones are and vice versa. We will know each other as we know ourselves. That would bring me joy to know that how I feel about someone is equally returned and that they understand me deeply and we can always be a part of each other's lives forever and ever. It would make me so happy to be able to rekindle and maintain old friendships with people who have come and gone from my life but who I still think about from time to time and would love to know again. 

I believe that in the next life our joy will be full, so I believe that my hopes will be realized. Either that or something even better that I have not yet thought of.  Til then I've been trying to press forward when a friend exits. Try not to dwell on the pain and what I want so much. And also, I guess, try to see the other good things that are blessings that suffice until that better time comes. 

A conversation

I know it's been a long time but let's just jump right in. 

I have a friend that I care about dearly but I feel that I know so little about her. She doesn't talk much about her inner self. And I've learned not to ask. I'm an observer and analyzer so I try to understand what's going on between the lines and behind the silence, but I'm probably usually more off than on. My friend said some things tonight that were a little different than the norm and kind of testing me it felt like. I can't figure out why she did that. It's worrying me a little and I'm trying to have more faith that it will be alright. I'm so easily frightened when it comes to people I care about possibly leaving me or not liking me. I just hope that it really will be ok...and by ok I guess I hope that means we'll still be friends. And realizing that, I guess if not friends then I hope I will be ok eventually. 

I feel good

Tonight is good. And I wanted to share that cuz I've written about so many bad nights. Nothing really happened to make it so. It is what it is. When I feel good I often feel constructive and motivated to do stuff like shower or clean or organize or do projects. Why is that? I also feel more relaxed, maybe not physically necessarily, but mentally. There isn't a flurry of thoughts and analysis going on in my head. I am just content. Hmmmm well whatever it is I'm glad for it. 

a soul-revealing post

My friend texted me last night, the one who I haven't communicated with for a while, the one who I was afraid I wouldn't see again.  I get the sense that she's keeping a wall up but still trying to make contact with me.  I don't why she wants to and that bothers me.  [Yes, not understanding the why in most things does bother me.]  She texted me again today, once again just chit-chat type stuff.  I feel like I am trying to keep a shy animal from running away from me.  Only if it runs away I will feel more than just mildly disappointed.  I will feel really hurt and have to deal with my emotions and try to get back to baseline, which will take awhile.  A stray animal running would register like a 2 on the emotional richter scale, whereas texting my friend is a 6 and could turn into an 8 or 9 with the slightest wrong move.  Outwardly I know I look ok, but inwardly there is a panic brewing that I'm trying to...not avoid because I know I can't avoid it...more that I'm trying to weather it.  And I wish so so badly it would be gone and over with now, or even better that it never would have existed at all.  The latter is definitely not possible at this point though, so that's not helpful.

Writing is helping.  

Since I last saw her I've been struggling with feelings of abandonment and rejection, trying to see what true reality is and not just my perception, trying to deal with the pain, trying to have hope that my life will get better even if that means that she isn't in it, really trying to find hope that even if she isn't in it now that maybe one day in a distant future the loss I'm feeling now will be compensated and though I can't have the connection I long to have now that I will have a connection of a different kind with her in the future.

I think that I sound obsessive. :(  Maybe I am.  I'm trying not to be.  

Ok, getting a break in the emotions.  That's good.  I'm going to go read now.  Later.

Definitions

Rejection is a pretty negative word. To refuse to accept, take, have, recognize; to cast out. 

Abandon is also a negative word. To leave completely, finally, forsake utterly, withdraw from, give up, discontinue; to cast away. 

I feel like one means to never have, and the other is to have but then let go. I'm feeling the latter of the two tonight, not terribly strongly. I was driving home and thoughts were coming and going. I thought about my friend and wondered if we'd ever talk again. I feel like I've been abandoned. At the same time old wounds creep in making me feel like I've been rejected as well, that I offered my heart and it was refused. Those are tough feelings to contend with. However I try to keep going, hoping that it will get better, somehow :-/

the good and the bad

Hmmm, so I have this theory that sometimes when you're day starts out bad there is a good chance of it ending well.  However the opposite is true too. If your day starts out good it might end sourly.  My day has been like that.  I'll get the bad part over with first.

I'm just feeling a little bummed out right now.  I haven't spoken to one of my friends for awhile now and I miss her.  She said she needed some time though, so that's what I'm giving her.  Still, I feel like this could be permanent.  I miss my cat, Ziggy.  The other cats don't really cuddle or stay inside so the house feels emptier.  Makes her absence more noticeable.

I guess that's the bulk of it.  It's not really anything that has happened, it's just how I'm feeling tonight.

On the upside, there was an amazing thunderstorm this morning.  I was at work when it hit so I didn't really get to watch it, but I sure heard it over the sound of the conveyor belts.  It made the power go out at the warehouse for a couple of seconds.  That was really cool.  Then tonight on my drive home there was this really pretty sunset.

Well I'm tired.  Off to bed.

Ziggy

A lot can change in a short amount of time.

Today my cat Ziggy was put to sleep.  She had a tumor in her mouth that had grown too big and was making it very difficult for her to eat and drink.  It had even begun to press against her right eye.  The vet could not do anything to treat it because of where it was located and also because Ziggy had a heart condition.  So we (my family and I) decided it would be best to let her go.  We didn't want her to suffer a long drawn out and painful death.

Ziggy had only been with us for a little over a year.  Not long enough.  I miss her.  I miss her sitting on my lap when I came home from work.  I miss seeing the little bounce in her step as she walked quickly around the house.  I miss holding her and cuddling with her.  I miss seeing the look on her face as I called to her and she would come to me.  A couple of times she would come sit by me as I worked on cleaning my truck or my bike.  She was quiet and easy-going.  I think she was just happy to have a home and people who loved her.  I miss hearing her purr.  Because she had too many infections when she first came to us she had to have her teeth removed (the few she had left).  So sometimes when you pet her she would nip gently at your hand and it felt funny cuz all she had were gums.  My mom and I would say she was "gumming" us instead of biting.

Even though it was only for a year, I'm glad to have had Ziggy in my life.  She was a good friend.

RIP Ziggy
See you again soon.