In my head

I've put a lot of effort into learning to not be afraid of things. Spiders, creepy crawlers, snakes, walking alone at night, scary movies, death---things I'm not afraid of. Yet, you know that feeling you get when you have to take a test? It's not as nerve-racking as having to perform or speak in public before tens of thousands of people. I mean the slightly anxious feeling you sometimes get but it's small enough you can sort of put it in the back of your mind. I feel like I have that feeling  every day. Just a small knot of anxiety that I've been living with for a long time now. 

I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't know if I can. It feels like something needs to happen so I can feel better. Sure I can be distracted from it, but it never goes away. 

I just realized all this tonight while lying awake in bed. I was trying to think of times when I didn't feel this way and there are a few moments, I think. It's hard to say because my memories could be faulty. 

I don't know what I would like to happen about this. Obviously I want to feel at ease and at peace, but the thing with anxiety is that it makes it hard for you to act and cause change, because you feel too anxious about it.  Constantly fighting the desire to curl up in bed and zone out. Or the desire to do anything that would numb the feeling. It's a downward spiral for sure. 

Need a break. 

My mom's tulips are about to bloom. I knelt down to look at one today and told it that it needed to wait just a few more days cuz it was still too cold for it to open up.