a much better post I promise

Hey everyone.  Sorry about the last few posts.  It was a rough week.  I am feeling better right now though, so this should be a good lighthearted post. 

I love the weather right now!  It's warm.  There are tulips blossoming in my front yard, 3 lovely yellows and one bright red.  They make me happy to see them.  I also noticed some new life growing on the rose bushes too.  I love my front yard when the trees are full of leaves, the grass is thick and green, and the flowers are all blooming, and the sky is blue, the birds are chirping, a slight breeze is in the air, there is just so much life!  I love it!  And of course my kitties come and see me and sometimes follow me around the yard.  :)

I've been out riding my motorcycle too, getting better at the skills I've learned.  I really want to find some people to go riding with.  So if you read this and you want to take me up on that offer just let me know.  I'm also going to be doing some searching to see if I can find a group to ride with.  I'm gonna be in a biker gang!!  Hahaha.

Well it's late, and morning comes fast for me.  Goodnight everyone!

Mormon Apostle

I'm ready to go to sleep and am just lying in bed listening to the conference talks I missed. 

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2014/04?lang=eng&vid=3438304098001&cid=4

I appreciate Pres. Uchtdorf. I know he isn't teaching anything that the other general authorities haven't also taught, but he says it in such a way that it reaches me. When he speaks I feel a little more comfort and hope. I'm grateful he is an Apostle right now. 

The weekend

By most accounts this weekend has been a good weekend. I went to a baseball game, had breakfast/lunch with friends, saw captain america, and spent the night with friends watching movies and enjoying good company. I also rode my bike several times. I had fun and felt mostly happy. 

Yet I feel sad and wish I could change what is causing me to feel this way. I feel like I am losing a friend. I am sitting right now listening to Conference and feeling worse. I find no comfort from the things that are being shared right now. I hate losing friends. It is the greatest source of pain I've experienced in my life, when the friend is someone I have grown close to and had hopes for. 

I know, time is the only remedy.  I think also how I feel about being alone is mixed in with how I feel about losing a friend...making it bigger, more acute. 

I'm so ready for a different life. 

Bees bikes and better tomorrows

I am so ready for warmer weather. I went for a ride tonight on my bike and it was so cold. And I think it was only 50°. Probably just a few degrees below that. Anyways I was thinking how nice it will be to ride my motorcycle when it's a lot warmer. 

I went to a baseball game tonight with a friend. The home team won so that was pretty good. My friend's friends were quite loud and liked to heckle the away team a lot. That's not really my style but it's not my place to stop them or tell them what they shouldn't do. They had fun so whatever :)

Tomorrow is looking to be a good day so I am pretty optimistic about it. I think I will be seeing the movie Captain America. 

Succinct

Well, today was not the greatest, it was barely even good. Kinda felt hurt. But whatever, I don't want to talk about it. 

Got my bike back today. Felt good to ride it again. Now could the weather please warm up?

In my head

I've put a lot of effort into learning to not be afraid of things. Spiders, creepy crawlers, snakes, walking alone at night, scary movies, death---things I'm not afraid of. Yet, you know that feeling you get when you have to take a test? It's not as nerve-racking as having to perform or speak in public before tens of thousands of people. I mean the slightly anxious feeling you sometimes get but it's small enough you can sort of put it in the back of your mind. I feel like I have that feeling  every day. Just a small knot of anxiety that I've been living with for a long time now. 

I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't know if I can. It feels like something needs to happen so I can feel better. Sure I can be distracted from it, but it never goes away. 

I just realized all this tonight while lying awake in bed. I was trying to think of times when I didn't feel this way and there are a few moments, I think. It's hard to say because my memories could be faulty. 

I don't know what I would like to happen about this. Obviously I want to feel at ease and at peace, but the thing with anxiety is that it makes it hard for you to act and cause change, because you feel too anxious about it.  Constantly fighting the desire to curl up in bed and zone out. Or the desire to do anything that would numb the feeling. It's a downward spiral for sure. 

Need a break. 

My mom's tulips are about to bloom. I knelt down to look at one today and told it that it needed to wait just a few more days cuz it was still too cold for it to open up. 

poof! i'm back

Missed a day.  Crap?

I decided to go to bed early last night, like 7pm early. 

I've been in recluse mode lately.  Not really wanting to talk much.  Ever feel overloaded by too much analytical thinking and the emotions that tie in to the thoughts?  I guess that's me right now.  Does anyone else feel kinda blah when they lay their feelings on a particular subject on the line and get no feedback?  Lol, I guess what can you expect if you are talking to a pet, or a tree, or the sky, or an empty room.  That kinda made me smile imagining that.

Ever think about how cool the snow line on a mountain side looks?  As I was driving home today I was noticing that on our mountains, the line where everything up got snowed on but everything below received rain.  It's amazing.  In the atmosphere there is a definite point between warm enough to be rain and cold enough to be snow.  I wonder what it would look like if that layer was color coded.  I guess it would kinda be like raising through a cloud or smog.

Kinda feeling down tonight.