This is a serious post

I have a lot on my mind right now. I want to talk about something that others may not even believe exists. As far as I know Christians believe in right and wrong and they believe in such a thing as sinning. If you are reading this and you believe right and wrong is relevant, that's fine. I'm not here to argue, so just enjoy this read. I address the rest of you when I say we all have our "favorite sins": those things we do that we know are wrong but we have a hard time not doing them. 

Today I was talking with a friend and I realized I don't want to give up my favorite sin [and I'm not going to make a judgement about that cuz I'm just not in the mood to play the judgement game right now].  For me, it's not even a feeling of I really don't want to do this but I can't stop myself. It's so much deeper than that. My "sin" is inextricably woven in to who I am. I'm not saying who I am is a sin, but because of who I am, I really really want to keep my favorite sin. I wish it wasn't a sin. To me and my heart and my being, I feel like it shouldn't be a sin and I get so pissed off because I know it is and nothing I think or say or do can change that. To say it puts me in a bad spot is a frikkin understatement. 

I want to do what's right. That is so deeply ingrained in me that I think it's genetic and that I came out of the womb wanting to do what is right. It is a part of who I am. However, as strong as that side of me is, I also want this other thing just as strongly and it conflicts with me. But this other desire is also me. It's just as much who I am and genetic as is my desire to do right. The conflict inside of me is so divisive that I have yet to commit to either path. I don't feel like I can because to choose one, whichever one, makes me feel like.... I just can't make the choice. 

I am frustrated right now.