Desires of the soul

I know I have many different types of people who read my blog and most often I try to be considerate and not too button-pushing with what I talk about. However tonight I think I will be more personal in my thoughts, more open, and say some things that some of you might not care to read about or agree with. 

I mention friends a lot, certain friends in particular. Finding a companion, soulmate, partner, or relation of that caliber is probably my soul's deepest desire and my most subconscious desire as well. Yes I have other very important desires too but this one seems to come unbidden from somewhere deep in my heart. It also tends to push my limits on what is healthy for me and appropriate in my quest to live a good life and also fulfill my desires. Sometimes what I want leads me to do or act in ways unhealthy. 

So with that in mind, I find life difficult for me to live at times. Because people and friendships come and go so fleetingly in life, and we have unrequited love, and losses that come out of our control. I mention my dear friend and how I fear losing her. I think of recent friends who I know will exit my life soon because of our different paths. All of it hurts me a lot because I want so badly deep meaningful permanent and enriching connections with friends. I want a best friend who will never leave me. I want my loved ones always in my life. I want to always get to be with them whenever and do whatever and share experiences. But I can't because that's not how life works. 

I believe and hope though that after this short mortal life we will get to always have our friends in our lives, never to have them exit again. And we'll have a better and deeper understanding of who each of our loved ones are and vice versa. We will know each other as we know ourselves. That would bring me joy to know that how I feel about someone is equally returned and that they understand me deeply and we can always be a part of each other's lives forever and ever. It would make me so happy to be able to rekindle and maintain old friendships with people who have come and gone from my life but who I still think about from time to time and would love to know again. 

I believe that in the next life our joy will be full, so I believe that my hopes will be realized. Either that or something even better that I have not yet thought of.  Til then I've been trying to press forward when a friend exits. Try not to dwell on the pain and what I want so much. And also, I guess, try to see the other good things that are blessings that suffice until that better time comes. 

A conversation

I know it's been a long time but let's just jump right in. 

I have a friend that I care about dearly but I feel that I know so little about her. She doesn't talk much about her inner self. And I've learned not to ask. I'm an observer and analyzer so I try to understand what's going on between the lines and behind the silence, but I'm probably usually more off than on. My friend said some things tonight that were a little different than the norm and kind of testing me it felt like. I can't figure out why she did that. It's worrying me a little and I'm trying to have more faith that it will be alright. I'm so easily frightened when it comes to people I care about possibly leaving me or not liking me. I just hope that it really will be ok...and by ok I guess I hope that means we'll still be friends. And realizing that, I guess if not friends then I hope I will be ok eventually. 

I feel good

Tonight is good. And I wanted to share that cuz I've written about so many bad nights. Nothing really happened to make it so. It is what it is. When I feel good I often feel constructive and motivated to do stuff like shower or clean or organize or do projects. Why is that? I also feel more relaxed, maybe not physically necessarily, but mentally. There isn't a flurry of thoughts and analysis going on in my head. I am just content. Hmmmm well whatever it is I'm glad for it. 

a soul-revealing post

My friend texted me last night, the one who I haven't communicated with for a while, the one who I was afraid I wouldn't see again.  I get the sense that she's keeping a wall up but still trying to make contact with me.  I don't why she wants to and that bothers me.  [Yes, not understanding the why in most things does bother me.]  She texted me again today, once again just chit-chat type stuff.  I feel like I am trying to keep a shy animal from running away from me.  Only if it runs away I will feel more than just mildly disappointed.  I will feel really hurt and have to deal with my emotions and try to get back to baseline, which will take awhile.  A stray animal running would register like a 2 on the emotional richter scale, whereas texting my friend is a 6 and could turn into an 8 or 9 with the slightest wrong move.  Outwardly I know I look ok, but inwardly there is a panic brewing that I'm trying to...not avoid because I know I can't avoid it...more that I'm trying to weather it.  And I wish so so badly it would be gone and over with now, or even better that it never would have existed at all.  The latter is definitely not possible at this point though, so that's not helpful.

Writing is helping.  

Since I last saw her I've been struggling with feelings of abandonment and rejection, trying to see what true reality is and not just my perception, trying to deal with the pain, trying to have hope that my life will get better even if that means that she isn't in it, really trying to find hope that even if she isn't in it now that maybe one day in a distant future the loss I'm feeling now will be compensated and though I can't have the connection I long to have now that I will have a connection of a different kind with her in the future.

I think that I sound obsessive. :(  Maybe I am.  I'm trying not to be.  

Ok, getting a break in the emotions.  That's good.  I'm going to go read now.  Later.

Definitions

Rejection is a pretty negative word. To refuse to accept, take, have, recognize; to cast out. 

Abandon is also a negative word. To leave completely, finally, forsake utterly, withdraw from, give up, discontinue; to cast away. 

I feel like one means to never have, and the other is to have but then let go. I'm feeling the latter of the two tonight, not terribly strongly. I was driving home and thoughts were coming and going. I thought about my friend and wondered if we'd ever talk again. I feel like I've been abandoned. At the same time old wounds creep in making me feel like I've been rejected as well, that I offered my heart and it was refused. Those are tough feelings to contend with. However I try to keep going, hoping that it will get better, somehow :-/

the good and the bad

Hmmm, so I have this theory that sometimes when you're day starts out bad there is a good chance of it ending well.  However the opposite is true too. If your day starts out good it might end sourly.  My day has been like that.  I'll get the bad part over with first.

I'm just feeling a little bummed out right now.  I haven't spoken to one of my friends for awhile now and I miss her.  She said she needed some time though, so that's what I'm giving her.  Still, I feel like this could be permanent.  I miss my cat, Ziggy.  The other cats don't really cuddle or stay inside so the house feels emptier.  Makes her absence more noticeable.

I guess that's the bulk of it.  It's not really anything that has happened, it's just how I'm feeling tonight.

On the upside, there was an amazing thunderstorm this morning.  I was at work when it hit so I didn't really get to watch it, but I sure heard it over the sound of the conveyor belts.  It made the power go out at the warehouse for a couple of seconds.  That was really cool.  Then tonight on my drive home there was this really pretty sunset.

Well I'm tired.  Off to bed.

Ziggy

A lot can change in a short amount of time.

Today my cat Ziggy was put to sleep.  She had a tumor in her mouth that had grown too big and was making it very difficult for her to eat and drink.  It had even begun to press against her right eye.  The vet could not do anything to treat it because of where it was located and also because Ziggy had a heart condition.  So we (my family and I) decided it would be best to let her go.  We didn't want her to suffer a long drawn out and painful death.

Ziggy had only been with us for a little over a year.  Not long enough.  I miss her.  I miss her sitting on my lap when I came home from work.  I miss seeing the little bounce in her step as she walked quickly around the house.  I miss holding her and cuddling with her.  I miss seeing the look on her face as I called to her and she would come to me.  A couple of times she would come sit by me as I worked on cleaning my truck or my bike.  She was quiet and easy-going.  I think she was just happy to have a home and people who loved her.  I miss hearing her purr.  Because she had too many infections when she first came to us she had to have her teeth removed (the few she had left).  So sometimes when you pet her she would nip gently at your hand and it felt funny cuz all she had were gums.  My mom and I would say she was "gumming" us instead of biting.

Even though it was only for a year, I'm glad to have had Ziggy in my life.  She was a good friend.

RIP Ziggy
See you again soon.

America

Ahh!  Some days I have these moments where I'm like, "Ahhh! I need something to write with because I'm having these thoughts!"  Like for the past 35 minutes I've had all these things I wanted to write about and muse over but I've had to wait til I could get home and to a computer.

I just saw the movie America. It's that documentary.  Maybe you've heard of it, maybe not.  Google it :P  Anyways, it talks about what the world might be like if America was not here and some of the "indictments" that people have against America.  It's very thought-provoking and, for me at least, evokes/invokes (not sure what the correct word here is) my patriotism and pride in the American idea.

I feel like in recent decades there has been a growing sentiment that highlights, exacerbates, and maybe even fabricates, all the negative things about America, til one starts to develop this negative idea and perspective of what America is.  It's true America as a country and as a people are not perfect and mistakes have been made.  However, I believe that America was created from good standards, even the right standards.  The movie argued for what some of those founding standards were and are.

I don't want to go into detail of what the movie talked about.  I'll let anyone who wants to go see it for themselves figure that out.  I just want to express my thoughts and feelings.  I think the idea of America is the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  People have the right to live free and pursue what makes them happy.  Infringing on someone else's rights to these things is wrong.  Of course getting down to the nitty gritty of what is infringing and what isn't gets messy.  But I believe there is a right and a wrong and learning what they are is important and standing up for them is what should be done.

See.  I told you.  Thought-provoking.  None of that was really talked about in the movie, it's just what my thoughts were as I watched it.

I think ultimately America is a good country and as a people we try to do right by ourselves and by others.  People aren't perfect and so we don't always succeed.  But the idea of America is that you try to do and uphold what's right.  I'd rather do what I can to inspire people to love their country and be better people and treat everyone on earth with dignity and fight for what is right.  I don't want to spread negativity and shame.

The rain in Spain

It's the weekend. Yay! And how about this rain we're getting? I have mixed feelings about it myself. I like the thunder and lightning and the rain falling, but I don't always like how wet and dirty it makes everything, or the cold. 

My shoulder still hurts. I no longer have it in a sling which is way nice for when I type and write. But at times like right now, I don't know what to do about it. I've taken the medicine and possibly still need to wait longer for it to kick in, but it's hurting. I want to go to sleep, but lying down makes the pain worse :( Our bodies are great until they start to fail us or fall apart. 

It's been a week now since I went camping and things are better emotionally with me, though I do still miss my friend. I suppose that will take more time. Just need to get back to homeostasis again I guess. 

Thanks to everyone who has left comments the last couple of weeks. I have read them. I appreciate your advice. And I'm glad you are reading the blog. 

Sunday night blues

I am feeling grief right now. I just had a great weekend camping with one of my friends. I don't know if I'll ever see her again now. That's why it's grief, not just sad, because of the feeling of loss. My heart is aching. 

Shoulder, TMNT, camping

To anyone who has ever had to work with the use of only one arm, I can empathize now.  Last Saturday morning I woke up with a major aching in my right shoulder.  Throughout the day I discovered certain movements brought sharp pain.  Every time I'd lay down to sleep I'd wake up in the middle of the night or early in the morning with the shoulder aching terribly and it didn't matter the position of how I slept.  So yesterday I went to the doctor and found out I have tendonitis.  He gave me some meds and a sling to put my arm in and now I have to do everything left-handed.  Working at both jobs has been interesting, but whatever it needs to heal I'll do.

I saw the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie last weekend.  I think if it hadn't been one of my favorite childhood TV shows I would've found it cheesy.  But I gave allowances because I'm sure if I were to watch the old TV show now I'd find it cheesy, too.   I was never upset about the casting of Megan Fox, but there was too much oogling and butt shots and innuendo because she was in it that I didn't like.  Mikey seemed a little more wannabe-gangster than goofball and I'm not sure how I feel about that.  The ending is funny when he serenades April O'Neill with the song Imagine Me and You while it is being played on the car stereo, knowing that the song was performed by the group The Turtles.  Not sure how many people will get that reference.

I'm supposed to go camping this weekend with a friend.  I'm nervous cuz some of her family will be there and I don't know any of them.  I'm afraid I'm going to feel left out.  I've had some prior experiences like this and I know that that feeling is painful, and hard for me to move past sometimes.  I just want to have fun.  I don't want to be dealing with strong negative emotions.  I'm trying to deal with the anxiety I'm feeling in the days leading up to the trip.  Blah.

It's August

I'm feeling down tonight. I know that word is very generic and vague but I don't know how to describe the way I'm feeling. It's familiar definitely. It causes sadness and hopelessness. On a scale of 1-10, 1 being way too happy and 10 the opposite and 3 or 4 is your typical good day that happens more than just occasionally, I'm approaching a 6 or 7. Slightly less than neutral now. I've spent some good quality time with friends today and I bet I needed it. Because even with that positive boost there is one person I've been thinking about who I miss and wish things were different. I've been able to go a good long while without feeling "down" as I put it, but I guess something is different lately and I miss certain things and that person, and I wish things could be different. 

Don't think anything can be done but to keep trekking on. :(

Moab recap

Well, I've been really busy lately.  Last weekend I went camping in Moab.  It was really hot.  I drove down in my truck that didn't have air conditioning at the time.  I think I lost weight simply from the drive :)  But it was a good weekend trip.  Got to see so many stars and the milky way at night, and see all the beautiful red rock formations.  I've been there often enough now that I'm starting to recognize the different sites and know their names without having a sign tell me.

Other than that I've been working lots as usual.  I did however get my truck fixed after I got home from Moab so now I have A/C and it's wonderful!!!  I love getting home from work and not being drenched in sweat.  

Godzilla pt. 2 (Spoilers)

Ok, so I knew going in to this movie that I'd have a hard time with Godzilla being shot at and getting hurt.  I didn't realize there were going to be 2 other monsters though!  And Godzilla was fighting them, and they were fighting him.  And it was a mom and dad with kids....yeah I was sad at the death scenes.  Besides that though I really liked this movie.  I was commenting to my mom how there was no real "bad person" in this movie.  All the humans were generally good people, which I liked.  I liked all the action, and the way it was shot and cut, not spending too much time on the smaller battles leading up to the big one at the end.  I thought it was clever they kind of cut away from the action and just fast forwarded to the end.  I'm sure part of that was to save money on computerized special effects.  But I thought it was fine.  Loved the Hawaii scenes.  Then they let you see a more drawn out detailed battle in Frisco...which wasn't my favorite--feeling bad for the monsters getting hurt and all...Has Godzilla always been able to breath fire?  That was a cool moment in the movie.  Kind of reminded me of Toothless in How to Train Your Dragon 2 ;)

Godzilla pt. 1

Just saw the movie. I have mixed emotions. I'm probably going to give away spoilers if I talk about it though. So read the next post if you are ok with that. 

Pics from Twin Peaks climb

http://youtu.be/rgKo0jM1CTU - video of the endpoint of the climb

Twin Peaks

Oh boy, am I sorry I haven't been able to write much lately.  I've been very very busy.  My boss took the week off last week and that plus some other things made it so I had to work overtime last week.  I was very tired and had to get up early too, so I just prioritized sleep a little higher than blogging.  :P

Well I went on a new adventure this weekend. I climbed Twin Peaks!  Sadly I wasn't able to make it all the way to the summit, I was about 45min-hour away from it though.  That was a really difficult climb.  Once above the treeline there isn't a good trail anymore and lots of loose rock on a very steep incline.  It was kind of scary actually.  My friend was a good 20 ft above me and at one point she went out of view.  I heard a bunch of rocks falling and feared she had slipped.  Turns out she had just kicked some big rocks loose but she was ok.  Once we got passed that and to the saddle portion we looked at the steep rockface we would have to traverse to get to the summit and we were done.  Too much strength and energy spent just getting as far as we'd gotten and we felt a little uncomfortable with making the next part of the climb with how steep it was.  Twin Peaks is definitely not one of my favorite climbs.  On the way back down we didn't dare try and go back down the loose rock so we picked a different path through a large snow patch.  It was kind of fun sliding down that snow on our bums, but it was pretty cold and steep and there were rocks interspersed throughout the snow so we had to be careful about not picking up too much speed.  Our hands really hurt too from being in the cold snow so long.  We used them to slow us down.  It was an experience for sure :)  And now I have a wicked sunburn from it all.  It's worse on my left side because of the part going up the loose rocks.  Sun was on my left and it took a LONG time to climb that section.  I'm not sorry I did it.  I'm just disappointed I wasn't able to summit.  Oh well.

Worker's comp??

It's been a long week. My body hurts and I am ready for the weekend. Monday and Tuesday I stayed late at my second job because my boss has been on vacation and I had to get caught up on some projects. Then the physical labor of my morning job has really been taking a toll on me lately. Today I had sore back muscles long after I left the warehouse and it made it hard to work in the office. I've decided I'm due for a massage, getting one tomorrow. Maybe if I do more squats and make it more habitual to bend my legs and less of my back it will help. Still I have to do a lot of leaning across a just-below-waist-high platform. I don't know. Hopefully I'll figure out a solution. 

Am I the only one who self analyzes a lot?

I've just been thinking. Some of my weaknesses are that I tend to have a negative perspective more often than not and that I depend too much on others to bring me happiness. Mind you, I have more flaws than that but these two are more obstructive to me right now. So I wonder if I'm supposed to learn to be more positive and to find happiness and joy in and of myself. I think this because though I try to find significant relationships they often don't work out because of my negativity and my inability to have a good life apart from someone else being in it. It's like fate or God is purposely making it this way so I will learn to fix those weaknesses. Lol, my thoughts just now were all pretty negative about my predicament if that is truly what it is. Yes, I definitely could be more positive. 

I guess me writing this is me trying to say, "Yeah I see I have this problem and that I ought to redouble my efforts in what I think will fix it. Ok going to try and do that. Thanks for the moment of reflection and evaluation."

Sunday ride

So today was nice. I went for a ride. Went up Emigration Canyon, then through East Canyon and then back to the valley through Weber Canyon. Saw lots of other peoples out on bikes too. My arms got a little sunburnt. 

Well it's time to begin another week. But at least this one is a short one. 

I added some window stickers to my truck today. Got them on my birthday :D