a soul-revealing post

My friend texted me last night, the one who I haven't communicated with for a while, the one who I was afraid I wouldn't see again.  I get the sense that she's keeping a wall up but still trying to make contact with me.  I don't why she wants to and that bothers me.  [Yes, not understanding the why in most things does bother me.]  She texted me again today, once again just chit-chat type stuff.  I feel like I am trying to keep a shy animal from running away from me.  Only if it runs away I will feel more than just mildly disappointed.  I will feel really hurt and have to deal with my emotions and try to get back to baseline, which will take awhile.  A stray animal running would register like a 2 on the emotional richter scale, whereas texting my friend is a 6 and could turn into an 8 or 9 with the slightest wrong move.  Outwardly I know I look ok, but inwardly there is a panic brewing that I'm trying to...not avoid because I know I can't avoid it...more that I'm trying to weather it.  And I wish so so badly it would be gone and over with now, or even better that it never would have existed at all.  The latter is definitely not possible at this point though, so that's not helpful.

Writing is helping.  

Since I last saw her I've been struggling with feelings of abandonment and rejection, trying to see what true reality is and not just my perception, trying to deal with the pain, trying to have hope that my life will get better even if that means that she isn't in it, really trying to find hope that even if she isn't in it now that maybe one day in a distant future the loss I'm feeling now will be compensated and though I can't have the connection I long to have now that I will have a connection of a different kind with her in the future.

I think that I sound obsessive. :(  Maybe I am.  I'm trying not to be.  

Ok, getting a break in the emotions.  That's good.  I'm going to go read now.  Later.

Definitions

Rejection is a pretty negative word. To refuse to accept, take, have, recognize; to cast out. 

Abandon is also a negative word. To leave completely, finally, forsake utterly, withdraw from, give up, discontinue; to cast away. 

I feel like one means to never have, and the other is to have but then let go. I'm feeling the latter of the two tonight, not terribly strongly. I was driving home and thoughts were coming and going. I thought about my friend and wondered if we'd ever talk again. I feel like I've been abandoned. At the same time old wounds creep in making me feel like I've been rejected as well, that I offered my heart and it was refused. Those are tough feelings to contend with. However I try to keep going, hoping that it will get better, somehow :-/

the good and the bad

Hmmm, so I have this theory that sometimes when you're day starts out bad there is a good chance of it ending well.  However the opposite is true too. If your day starts out good it might end sourly.  My day has been like that.  I'll get the bad part over with first.

I'm just feeling a little bummed out right now.  I haven't spoken to one of my friends for awhile now and I miss her.  She said she needed some time though, so that's what I'm giving her.  Still, I feel like this could be permanent.  I miss my cat, Ziggy.  The other cats don't really cuddle or stay inside so the house feels emptier.  Makes her absence more noticeable.

I guess that's the bulk of it.  It's not really anything that has happened, it's just how I'm feeling tonight.

On the upside, there was an amazing thunderstorm this morning.  I was at work when it hit so I didn't really get to watch it, but I sure heard it over the sound of the conveyor belts.  It made the power go out at the warehouse for a couple of seconds.  That was really cool.  Then tonight on my drive home there was this really pretty sunset.

Well I'm tired.  Off to bed.

Ziggy

A lot can change in a short amount of time.

Today my cat Ziggy was put to sleep.  She had a tumor in her mouth that had grown too big and was making it very difficult for her to eat and drink.  It had even begun to press against her right eye.  The vet could not do anything to treat it because of where it was located and also because Ziggy had a heart condition.  So we (my family and I) decided it would be best to let her go.  We didn't want her to suffer a long drawn out and painful death.

Ziggy had only been with us for a little over a year.  Not long enough.  I miss her.  I miss her sitting on my lap when I came home from work.  I miss seeing the little bounce in her step as she walked quickly around the house.  I miss holding her and cuddling with her.  I miss seeing the look on her face as I called to her and she would come to me.  A couple of times she would come sit by me as I worked on cleaning my truck or my bike.  She was quiet and easy-going.  I think she was just happy to have a home and people who loved her.  I miss hearing her purr.  Because she had too many infections when she first came to us she had to have her teeth removed (the few she had left).  So sometimes when you pet her she would nip gently at your hand and it felt funny cuz all she had were gums.  My mom and I would say she was "gumming" us instead of biting.

Even though it was only for a year, I'm glad to have had Ziggy in my life.  She was a good friend.

RIP Ziggy
See you again soon.