Desires of the soul

I know I have many different types of people who read my blog and most often I try to be considerate and not too button-pushing with what I talk about. However tonight I think I will be more personal in my thoughts, more open, and say some things that some of you might not care to read about or agree with. 

I mention friends a lot, certain friends in particular. Finding a companion, soulmate, partner, or relation of that caliber is probably my soul's deepest desire and my most subconscious desire as well. Yes I have other very important desires too but this one seems to come unbidden from somewhere deep in my heart. It also tends to push my limits on what is healthy for me and appropriate in my quest to live a good life and also fulfill my desires. Sometimes what I want leads me to do or act in ways unhealthy. 

So with that in mind, I find life difficult for me to live at times. Because people and friendships come and go so fleetingly in life, and we have unrequited love, and losses that come out of our control. I mention my dear friend and how I fear losing her. I think of recent friends who I know will exit my life soon because of our different paths. All of it hurts me a lot because I want so badly deep meaningful permanent and enriching connections with friends. I want a best friend who will never leave me. I want my loved ones always in my life. I want to always get to be with them whenever and do whatever and share experiences. But I can't because that's not how life works. 

I believe and hope though that after this short mortal life we will get to always have our friends in our lives, never to have them exit again. And we'll have a better and deeper understanding of who each of our loved ones are and vice versa. We will know each other as we know ourselves. That would bring me joy to know that how I feel about someone is equally returned and that they understand me deeply and we can always be a part of each other's lives forever and ever. It would make me so happy to be able to rekindle and maintain old friendships with people who have come and gone from my life but who I still think about from time to time and would love to know again. 

I believe that in the next life our joy will be full, so I believe that my hopes will be realized. Either that or something even better that I have not yet thought of.  Til then I've been trying to press forward when a friend exits. Try not to dwell on the pain and what I want so much. And also, I guess, try to see the other good things that are blessings that suffice until that better time comes. 

A conversation

I know it's been a long time but let's just jump right in. 

I have a friend that I care about dearly but I feel that I know so little about her. She doesn't talk much about her inner self. And I've learned not to ask. I'm an observer and analyzer so I try to understand what's going on between the lines and behind the silence, but I'm probably usually more off than on. My friend said some things tonight that were a little different than the norm and kind of testing me it felt like. I can't figure out why she did that. It's worrying me a little and I'm trying to have more faith that it will be alright. I'm so easily frightened when it comes to people I care about possibly leaving me or not liking me. I just hope that it really will be ok...and by ok I guess I hope that means we'll still be friends. And realizing that, I guess if not friends then I hope I will be ok eventually. 

I feel good

Tonight is good. And I wanted to share that cuz I've written about so many bad nights. Nothing really happened to make it so. It is what it is. When I feel good I often feel constructive and motivated to do stuff like shower or clean or organize or do projects. Why is that? I also feel more relaxed, maybe not physically necessarily, but mentally. There isn't a flurry of thoughts and analysis going on in my head. I am just content. Hmmmm well whatever it is I'm glad for it. 

a soul-revealing post

My friend texted me last night, the one who I haven't communicated with for a while, the one who I was afraid I wouldn't see again.  I get the sense that she's keeping a wall up but still trying to make contact with me.  I don't why she wants to and that bothers me.  [Yes, not understanding the why in most things does bother me.]  She texted me again today, once again just chit-chat type stuff.  I feel like I am trying to keep a shy animal from running away from me.  Only if it runs away I will feel more than just mildly disappointed.  I will feel really hurt and have to deal with my emotions and try to get back to baseline, which will take awhile.  A stray animal running would register like a 2 on the emotional richter scale, whereas texting my friend is a 6 and could turn into an 8 or 9 with the slightest wrong move.  Outwardly I know I look ok, but inwardly there is a panic brewing that I'm trying to...not avoid because I know I can't avoid it...more that I'm trying to weather it.  And I wish so so badly it would be gone and over with now, or even better that it never would have existed at all.  The latter is definitely not possible at this point though, so that's not helpful.

Writing is helping.  

Since I last saw her I've been struggling with feelings of abandonment and rejection, trying to see what true reality is and not just my perception, trying to deal with the pain, trying to have hope that my life will get better even if that means that she isn't in it, really trying to find hope that even if she isn't in it now that maybe one day in a distant future the loss I'm feeling now will be compensated and though I can't have the connection I long to have now that I will have a connection of a different kind with her in the future.

I think that I sound obsessive. :(  Maybe I am.  I'm trying not to be.  

Ok, getting a break in the emotions.  That's good.  I'm going to go read now.  Later.

Definitions

Rejection is a pretty negative word. To refuse to accept, take, have, recognize; to cast out. 

Abandon is also a negative word. To leave completely, finally, forsake utterly, withdraw from, give up, discontinue; to cast away. 

I feel like one means to never have, and the other is to have but then let go. I'm feeling the latter of the two tonight, not terribly strongly. I was driving home and thoughts were coming and going. I thought about my friend and wondered if we'd ever talk again. I feel like I've been abandoned. At the same time old wounds creep in making me feel like I've been rejected as well, that I offered my heart and it was refused. Those are tough feelings to contend with. However I try to keep going, hoping that it will get better, somehow :-/

the good and the bad

Hmmm, so I have this theory that sometimes when you're day starts out bad there is a good chance of it ending well.  However the opposite is true too. If your day starts out good it might end sourly.  My day has been like that.  I'll get the bad part over with first.

I'm just feeling a little bummed out right now.  I haven't spoken to one of my friends for awhile now and I miss her.  She said she needed some time though, so that's what I'm giving her.  Still, I feel like this could be permanent.  I miss my cat, Ziggy.  The other cats don't really cuddle or stay inside so the house feels emptier.  Makes her absence more noticeable.

I guess that's the bulk of it.  It's not really anything that has happened, it's just how I'm feeling tonight.

On the upside, there was an amazing thunderstorm this morning.  I was at work when it hit so I didn't really get to watch it, but I sure heard it over the sound of the conveyor belts.  It made the power go out at the warehouse for a couple of seconds.  That was really cool.  Then tonight on my drive home there was this really pretty sunset.

Well I'm tired.  Off to bed.

Ziggy

A lot can change in a short amount of time.

Today my cat Ziggy was put to sleep.  She had a tumor in her mouth that had grown too big and was making it very difficult for her to eat and drink.  It had even begun to press against her right eye.  The vet could not do anything to treat it because of where it was located and also because Ziggy had a heart condition.  So we (my family and I) decided it would be best to let her go.  We didn't want her to suffer a long drawn out and painful death.

Ziggy had only been with us for a little over a year.  Not long enough.  I miss her.  I miss her sitting on my lap when I came home from work.  I miss seeing the little bounce in her step as she walked quickly around the house.  I miss holding her and cuddling with her.  I miss seeing the look on her face as I called to her and she would come to me.  A couple of times she would come sit by me as I worked on cleaning my truck or my bike.  She was quiet and easy-going.  I think she was just happy to have a home and people who loved her.  I miss hearing her purr.  Because she had too many infections when she first came to us she had to have her teeth removed (the few she had left).  So sometimes when you pet her she would nip gently at your hand and it felt funny cuz all she had were gums.  My mom and I would say she was "gumming" us instead of biting.

Even though it was only for a year, I'm glad to have had Ziggy in my life.  She was a good friend.

RIP Ziggy
See you again soon.

America

Ahh!  Some days I have these moments where I'm like, "Ahhh! I need something to write with because I'm having these thoughts!"  Like for the past 35 minutes I've had all these things I wanted to write about and muse over but I've had to wait til I could get home and to a computer.

I just saw the movie America. It's that documentary.  Maybe you've heard of it, maybe not.  Google it :P  Anyways, it talks about what the world might be like if America was not here and some of the "indictments" that people have against America.  It's very thought-provoking and, for me at least, evokes/invokes (not sure what the correct word here is) my patriotism and pride in the American idea.

I feel like in recent decades there has been a growing sentiment that highlights, exacerbates, and maybe even fabricates, all the negative things about America, til one starts to develop this negative idea and perspective of what America is.  It's true America as a country and as a people are not perfect and mistakes have been made.  However, I believe that America was created from good standards, even the right standards.  The movie argued for what some of those founding standards were and are.

I don't want to go into detail of what the movie talked about.  I'll let anyone who wants to go see it for themselves figure that out.  I just want to express my thoughts and feelings.  I think the idea of America is the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  People have the right to live free and pursue what makes them happy.  Infringing on someone else's rights to these things is wrong.  Of course getting down to the nitty gritty of what is infringing and what isn't gets messy.  But I believe there is a right and a wrong and learning what they are is important and standing up for them is what should be done.

See.  I told you.  Thought-provoking.  None of that was really talked about in the movie, it's just what my thoughts were as I watched it.

I think ultimately America is a good country and as a people we try to do right by ourselves and by others.  People aren't perfect and so we don't always succeed.  But the idea of America is that you try to do and uphold what's right.  I'd rather do what I can to inspire people to love their country and be better people and treat everyone on earth with dignity and fight for what is right.  I don't want to spread negativity and shame.

The rain in Spain

It's the weekend. Yay! And how about this rain we're getting? I have mixed feelings about it myself. I like the thunder and lightning and the rain falling, but I don't always like how wet and dirty it makes everything, or the cold. 

My shoulder still hurts. I no longer have it in a sling which is way nice for when I type and write. But at times like right now, I don't know what to do about it. I've taken the medicine and possibly still need to wait longer for it to kick in, but it's hurting. I want to go to sleep, but lying down makes the pain worse :( Our bodies are great until they start to fail us or fall apart. 

It's been a week now since I went camping and things are better emotionally with me, though I do still miss my friend. I suppose that will take more time. Just need to get back to homeostasis again I guess. 

Thanks to everyone who has left comments the last couple of weeks. I have read them. I appreciate your advice. And I'm glad you are reading the blog. 

Sunday night blues

I am feeling grief right now. I just had a great weekend camping with one of my friends. I don't know if I'll ever see her again now. That's why it's grief, not just sad, because of the feeling of loss. My heart is aching. 

Shoulder, TMNT, camping

To anyone who has ever had to work with the use of only one arm, I can empathize now.  Last Saturday morning I woke up with a major aching in my right shoulder.  Throughout the day I discovered certain movements brought sharp pain.  Every time I'd lay down to sleep I'd wake up in the middle of the night or early in the morning with the shoulder aching terribly and it didn't matter the position of how I slept.  So yesterday I went to the doctor and found out I have tendonitis.  He gave me some meds and a sling to put my arm in and now I have to do everything left-handed.  Working at both jobs has been interesting, but whatever it needs to heal I'll do.

I saw the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie last weekend.  I think if it hadn't been one of my favorite childhood TV shows I would've found it cheesy.  But I gave allowances because I'm sure if I were to watch the old TV show now I'd find it cheesy, too.   I was never upset about the casting of Megan Fox, but there was too much oogling and butt shots and innuendo because she was in it that I didn't like.  Mikey seemed a little more wannabe-gangster than goofball and I'm not sure how I feel about that.  The ending is funny when he serenades April O'Neill with the song Imagine Me and You while it is being played on the car stereo, knowing that the song was performed by the group The Turtles.  Not sure how many people will get that reference.

I'm supposed to go camping this weekend with a friend.  I'm nervous cuz some of her family will be there and I don't know any of them.  I'm afraid I'm going to feel left out.  I've had some prior experiences like this and I know that that feeling is painful, and hard for me to move past sometimes.  I just want to have fun.  I don't want to be dealing with strong negative emotions.  I'm trying to deal with the anxiety I'm feeling in the days leading up to the trip.  Blah.

It's August

I'm feeling down tonight. I know that word is very generic and vague but I don't know how to describe the way I'm feeling. It's familiar definitely. It causes sadness and hopelessness. On a scale of 1-10, 1 being way too happy and 10 the opposite and 3 or 4 is your typical good day that happens more than just occasionally, I'm approaching a 6 or 7. Slightly less than neutral now. I've spent some good quality time with friends today and I bet I needed it. Because even with that positive boost there is one person I've been thinking about who I miss and wish things were different. I've been able to go a good long while without feeling "down" as I put it, but I guess something is different lately and I miss certain things and that person, and I wish things could be different. 

Don't think anything can be done but to keep trekking on. :(

Moab recap

Well, I've been really busy lately.  Last weekend I went camping in Moab.  It was really hot.  I drove down in my truck that didn't have air conditioning at the time.  I think I lost weight simply from the drive :)  But it was a good weekend trip.  Got to see so many stars and the milky way at night, and see all the beautiful red rock formations.  I've been there often enough now that I'm starting to recognize the different sites and know their names without having a sign tell me.

Other than that I've been working lots as usual.  I did however get my truck fixed after I got home from Moab so now I have A/C and it's wonderful!!!  I love getting home from work and not being drenched in sweat.  

Godzilla pt. 2 (Spoilers)

Ok, so I knew going in to this movie that I'd have a hard time with Godzilla being shot at and getting hurt.  I didn't realize there were going to be 2 other monsters though!  And Godzilla was fighting them, and they were fighting him.  And it was a mom and dad with kids....yeah I was sad at the death scenes.  Besides that though I really liked this movie.  I was commenting to my mom how there was no real "bad person" in this movie.  All the humans were generally good people, which I liked.  I liked all the action, and the way it was shot and cut, not spending too much time on the smaller battles leading up to the big one at the end.  I thought it was clever they kind of cut away from the action and just fast forwarded to the end.  I'm sure part of that was to save money on computerized special effects.  But I thought it was fine.  Loved the Hawaii scenes.  Then they let you see a more drawn out detailed battle in Frisco...which wasn't my favorite--feeling bad for the monsters getting hurt and all...Has Godzilla always been able to breath fire?  That was a cool moment in the movie.  Kind of reminded me of Toothless in How to Train Your Dragon 2 ;)

Godzilla pt. 1

Just saw the movie. I have mixed emotions. I'm probably going to give away spoilers if I talk about it though. So read the next post if you are ok with that. 

Pics from Twin Peaks climb

http://youtu.be/rgKo0jM1CTU - video of the endpoint of the climb

Twin Peaks

Oh boy, am I sorry I haven't been able to write much lately.  I've been very very busy.  My boss took the week off last week and that plus some other things made it so I had to work overtime last week.  I was very tired and had to get up early too, so I just prioritized sleep a little higher than blogging.  :P

Well I went on a new adventure this weekend. I climbed Twin Peaks!  Sadly I wasn't able to make it all the way to the summit, I was about 45min-hour away from it though.  That was a really difficult climb.  Once above the treeline there isn't a good trail anymore and lots of loose rock on a very steep incline.  It was kind of scary actually.  My friend was a good 20 ft above me and at one point she went out of view.  I heard a bunch of rocks falling and feared she had slipped.  Turns out she had just kicked some big rocks loose but she was ok.  Once we got passed that and to the saddle portion we looked at the steep rockface we would have to traverse to get to the summit and we were done.  Too much strength and energy spent just getting as far as we'd gotten and we felt a little uncomfortable with making the next part of the climb with how steep it was.  Twin Peaks is definitely not one of my favorite climbs.  On the way back down we didn't dare try and go back down the loose rock so we picked a different path through a large snow patch.  It was kind of fun sliding down that snow on our bums, but it was pretty cold and steep and there were rocks interspersed throughout the snow so we had to be careful about not picking up too much speed.  Our hands really hurt too from being in the cold snow so long.  We used them to slow us down.  It was an experience for sure :)  And now I have a wicked sunburn from it all.  It's worse on my left side because of the part going up the loose rocks.  Sun was on my left and it took a LONG time to climb that section.  I'm not sorry I did it.  I'm just disappointed I wasn't able to summit.  Oh well.

Worker's comp??

It's been a long week. My body hurts and I am ready for the weekend. Monday and Tuesday I stayed late at my second job because my boss has been on vacation and I had to get caught up on some projects. Then the physical labor of my morning job has really been taking a toll on me lately. Today I had sore back muscles long after I left the warehouse and it made it hard to work in the office. I've decided I'm due for a massage, getting one tomorrow. Maybe if I do more squats and make it more habitual to bend my legs and less of my back it will help. Still I have to do a lot of leaning across a just-below-waist-high platform. I don't know. Hopefully I'll figure out a solution. 

Am I the only one who self analyzes a lot?

I've just been thinking. Some of my weaknesses are that I tend to have a negative perspective more often than not and that I depend too much on others to bring me happiness. Mind you, I have more flaws than that but these two are more obstructive to me right now. So I wonder if I'm supposed to learn to be more positive and to find happiness and joy in and of myself. I think this because though I try to find significant relationships they often don't work out because of my negativity and my inability to have a good life apart from someone else being in it. It's like fate or God is purposely making it this way so I will learn to fix those weaknesses. Lol, my thoughts just now were all pretty negative about my predicament if that is truly what it is. Yes, I definitely could be more positive. 

I guess me writing this is me trying to say, "Yeah I see I have this problem and that I ought to redouble my efforts in what I think will fix it. Ok going to try and do that. Thanks for the moment of reflection and evaluation."

Sunday ride

So today was nice. I went for a ride. Went up Emigration Canyon, then through East Canyon and then back to the valley through Weber Canyon. Saw lots of other peoples out on bikes too. My arms got a little sunburnt. 

Well it's time to begin another week. But at least this one is a short one. 

I added some window stickers to my truck today. Got them on my birthday :D

Happy Birthday

So today was my birthday. And to celebrate I played mini golf with my parents. Then we went and played arcade games and I won the jackpot on one of the games by popping the balloon. Got over 600 tickets :) so I got a stuffed turtle as my prize. He's cute. I've gotten a lot of happy birthday wishes and it's been really great to receive them. I wish I could see everyone in person and spend some time with them. One day it will happen :) 

Weekend review

I'm feeling alright right now. It was a fairly busy day but it was good. 

I neglected to mention what I did last weekend. Since Wednesday is my birthday I got together with a few friends and went to Boondocks Friday night. I think we all had a lot of fun. I did anyway. It's been awhile since I've laughed so hard I couldn't breathe. Then on Saturday I went shooting with some other friends as well as having dinner and a movie with them on Sunday. I'm grateful to have these friends. 

Relationships mean a lot to me. That doesn't mean I'm good at them, but trying to maintain them is what I aim to do. I feel like I fail in this a lot, but I would keep on trying to be better. 

Heart stuff

Are there people out there who are kind and compassionate and who love others warts and all? I know things get in the way, like anger, frustration, impatience, hurt feelings, or fear, but are there people out there who will put the other first and be unconditional in their care and love towards the other? 

Tonight I'm feeling like the differences between me and someone/anyone else are too great of an obstacle to overcome. I want friendship and connection and understanding and compassion and the spirit of working together to help and forgiveness and unconditional love...everywhere. I want it at work, at home, anywhere there are people. I want the spirit of love/family/friendship to exist everywhere in everyone. I wish no ill-will on anyone and I wish I could always be a friend and kind to everyone. 

I want to find someone, many, who can see the depth of my heart and cherish it. I want to find people who can see the real me and want me in their lives. 

Job stuff

Oh boy, am I glad for this week to be over. It hasn't been a bad week persay, but it's been a rough one, specifically in the mornings, at my morning job. Today I even had 4 of my drivers helping sort boxes because so many of them were coming down the line at a time. They don't have to help. And usually I only have one helping at a time, not always the same one. I guess that's the bright side. I have good people around me at that job that counterbalance the stress that comes from it. 

Dragon and Tomorrow

It's another rainy Tuesday.  Don't know about you but this weather is putting me in a mood :-/  I'm at work right now.  Just finished boxing up 26 trays for UPS to come get.  I'm a little tired now from it.  And I have nothing else left to do so as soon as my boss realizes this he will most likely send me home.  Which isn't too bad today I guess.  

So, I saw some movies over the weekend that I never formally reviewed for you on here.  First was How to Train Your Dragon 2.  Loved it!!  Toothless is just too funny and cute and awesome and I want one! I'm not totally sure if I was thrilled with the storyline, but all of the funny aside moments with Toothless and some of the other dragons made the movie well worthwhile.  I'd still definitely see it again if the opportunity presented itself.  

Second was the Edge of Tomorrow.  Also really liked this movie, too.  I think Emily Blunt is awesome, and I was nowhere near annoyed of Tom Cruise at all, which is saying something.  The ending was a little confusing in that I can't really figure out how it makes sense, but I liked it so I won't complain :)  For a war/action movie I thought the comedy in this was great.  The premise of the story if  you haven't heard is that Tom Cruise's character keeps reliving the same day over and over again, but the only way he repeats the day is when he dies.  So there are some pretty funny scenes where Cruise's and Emily Blunt's characters are training and he keeps getting seriously injured so she shoots him in the head to "reset" the day, over and over again.  There are some important reasons as to why he has to die, but I'll let you see the movie to figure that out.

Good movies.  Good weekend.  My next movie will probably be Transformers.  Til then....

Self-awareness moment

Been awhile. Things have been mostly good lately, a few dips but mostly ups. Tonight I was with friends playing games. I think I'm a fairly self-observant person, always on the self-analyzing side of things. There is a person in my circle of friends who incites emotions of irritation, impatience, pettiness, unkindness, and anger in me. He doesn't do it on purpose, it's just his personality that I don't often like. And I dislike that I can't be better than I am when it comes to dealing with him. I snapped a little bit tonight and said something with unkindness toward him and immediately felt ashamed of myself. And that of course just added to my anger. 

I'm sometimes known by others to be kind and nice. And that's how I want to be known, that's who I want to be. I want to be kind to others. I value that attribute and aspire to make it a part of who I am. So I don't like it when I come across people that I don't like and start to both feel and do mean things towards. I try to keep it in check or find ways to change my perspective of that person, but sometimes I snap. And then I feel bad. 

[sigh] Just wish I could be better at loving others and being patient and seeing the good. 

Movies, rolls, and games

It's been a few days, figure I needed to post. Not much new. I saw Maleficent on Friday. I really liked it. It was my kind of story. I also went swimming this weekend and got some sun. Monday was my dad's birthday so to celebrate we ate at Texas Roadhouse, yum! I love their rolls. They're so delicious. This weekend I'm supposed to see How to Train Your Dragon 2 as well as that new Tom Cruise/Emily Blunt movie. I can't wait to see cute Toothless again. Gaming last Saturday was interesting. Have you ever played a game where u had an insane amount of money to get everything you needed and more to prepare your character for ANY situation she might face? Yeah that happened to me and my friends and we spent hours trying to buy the best and still didn't finish. Pretty overwhelming. 

An encounter with cows

Feeling lonely tonight. 

I went for a ride on my bicycle today. And met a whole herd of cows being led down the road I was on. It was crazy. The cows were nervous of me. I stopped and waited for all of them to pass and they walked clear on the opposite side of the road from me so as to keep as much distance from me as possible. They were being steered by three women and one girl. One of the women rode passed me on a horse at a fast trot. She was in jeans and a sports bra, hair back in a loose ponytail, silver earrings that hung from her ears. She had an athletic build. I thought she looked amazing, like something I admire, and she reminded me of a friend who I'm trying to get over :-/ I felt a little heartsick as I watched her ride passed. 

So even though I exercised and watched a good movie later tonight with my mom, I am feeling lonely. And a little unloved. I know I'm loved. But I feel like I'm not. I feel abandoned and left alone. :(

Happiness

A few days ago I had the beginning of a thought :P  It had to do with feeling emotions more deeply than the average experience of feeling. Ah yes, I remember now. I was thinking about how I have such a hard time trying to find things that make me happy. I had the idea that maybe I have such a hard time because my experiences of feeling happy have been strong deep experiences and so trying to replicate that same level of intensity doesn't often work and I am left feeling what I describe as neutral or sometimes even "blah". And this discourages me because I want to feel like I did before. I guess it becomes a trick of perception. After all neutral is better than misery, and we can't feel really happy all the time. That leaves me with the task of fighting the anxiety I start to feel when it seems like I'm slipping down the happiness scale toward misery. It all comes back to trying to focus on the positives...and breathing :)

Thank you

Alright, well, I already knew my friends were good people :)  I was a little nervous about my post last night, but I had a good feeling that most of the people I know would be understanding. And you were :) Thank you everyone both family and friends for your support and kind words. It's been uplifting to read all your comments. Thank you for seeing the good in me. 

Another big one.

Can't sleep. Got a lot going through my head tonight. I've decided I'm going to reveal something about myself. Some of you already know this. To my family members who don't know this and this is a surprise, I hope you can get to a point of understanding. To the people in my ward, know that this thing I'm about to reveal is a big reason why I have such a hard time going to church.  

Ok drumroll.... 

I am attracted to women. No idea how this makes you feel. So if I get any comments then I'll address them. How this makes me feel though is pretty complicated. Conflicted would be an understatement. 

I don't know how much I want to divulge.... This thing that is a part of me touches many different aspects of my life and does influence my depression and anxiety in many ways. I won't go so far as to say it is the root of them. Let's just say it's all simbiotic. 

In a different vein of this topic I say that I need people in my life. Good and kind people who are understanding and care. I'm trying to love myself and find happiness in myself, but people, important people, enrich my life and bring more happiness than I could have on my own. 

Part of my anxiety comes from the fear and pain of rejection and abandonment and so I have a hard time having people in my life. I get hurt really easily and this makes me want to isolate myself for protection. I also get very down on myself and thus have another reason to want to isolate so I don't spread my negativity to others. 

How are these two things related? I don't know, they just seem to be in my head. Ok. I'm ready for the ripples of reaction. 

Bicycle experience

Tomorrow is Friday! 

So tonight I worked on my bicycle a bit. I cleaned the chain and lubed it, put air in the tires, and wiped down most of the dirt from sitting in the garage all winter. Then I took it for a short spin and wow! My body struggled to remember how it feels to ride a pedal bike. I'm used to a motorcycle. I'm used to a heavier, lower seated, motorcycle with handles that are thicker and angled slightly different. It was weird :)  But in a good way. I wish I could have the day off tomorrow to go for a ride on it. I guess maybe over the weekend I'll get out. 

Summertime

At work right now.  I've finished everything I had that I could work on and am left here to twiddle my thumbs :P  It's possible they might send me to the warehouse portion of the building so I'm trying to hide.  It's hot back there!  Not much has happened the last few days.  I got home from my mini vacation to Hilton Head last Monday night.  I'm starting to peel a little bit from the sunburn I got there.  It wasn't a bad burn, just an area that didn't get the right amount of sunscreen as the rest of me did.  Yesterday I went home early from work, cuz once again I ran out of stuff to do, and decided to mow the lawn.  My family has a new lawn mower.  The old one was a major pain to try and start.  This one is easy-peezy in comparison :)  Then I got to spend some time on the newly mowed grass with my cute kitty Jo.  That was fun.  It was warm, but not too hot (for me that is), and I was feeling content.  Because it has gotten so warm all my cats are shedding a lot and I got fur all over my arms and face.  I needed to scratch my face but couldn't because the fur on my hands would only make it worse.  Ah, the joys of summertime ;)

Nothing bad has really happened today yet I've been crying. It's been a good day, I've been able to do things I don't normally get the chance to do very often, but I still feel sad and in pain. I had a friend once who told me that when she got sick as a little girl she would lie down on the bathroom floor and her mom would sit with her and run her fingers through her hair.  So later on when she was older she'd still remember that when she was sick and kind of long for it. When I feel this way I don't have much fight left in me and I want to lie down and escape from the crappy feelings. My strength is gone. I wish I had someone to turn to. But I think that's part of the problem, that I need someone else to help me feel better. I can't be that person I need for myself. Not yet anyways. 

Xmen review

I just saw Xmen: Days of Future Past. I loved it! I was so excited about it that by the end of the movie I was bouncing in my seat :)  I was amazed and happy that they were able to bring back characters like Storm, Iceman, and Kitty. And I was geeking out over the fact that this movie would bring Xmen First Class actors together with the original Xmen trilogy actors. I don't want to give too much away but I just loved the ending. So many horrible things that were screwed up in Xmen Last Stand were made right with the ending of this movie. Loved it!!! My friend told me that they were planning on making another Xmen trilogy. I totally support that! Super excited to see what new things they can do :)

motorcycle blues

It's a blah day today.  I was out riding my motorcycle last night and it started decelerating while I was on the freeway. I've already put a lot into that bike to get it running.  I want a new bike.  :(  I wish I had more money to get one.  I want to get a new one.  So it won't have any age-related problems.  And will already be in running-order.  I'm in a funk now.

work stuff

Back at work again as I type this.  I have nothing to do again.  It's kinda annoying actually because I know that I have a lot of stuff that will need to be done by the end of this week but I can't work on any of it til I have a report to tell me what to work on.  [sigh]  Maybe I'll go eat my lunch now so when the report does come and I get dumped on with work, I won't have to worry about taking time out to eat.  Sounds good.

So this morning at my first job we got done with the sort (I sort boxes, it's a shipping company) way early than normal especially for the amount of pieces we had to sort today.  The packages were coming down my conveyor belt so fast, me and my "belt-mate" (co-worker who sorts on the same conveyor belt as me) could barely keep up.  All the other belts have more than two people on them because they are longer belts or get more volume.  But I swear if they are going to make a habit of going as fast as they were today, then they should put at least one more person on my belt.  I told the manager that.  I doubt he'll do anything about it.  Stupid businesses.  I hate the way people are treated in businesses.

Blind Cat Rescue

Hey everyone.  Currently at work right now.  I don't have anything to do at the moment.  It's supposed to get real busy this week though so I'm not complaining.  Not much going on.  I'm watching a ustream of blind cats. Blind Cat Rescue ustream if you want to check it out.  I can't remember if I've talked about BCR before or not.  Well, in case I didn't, the BCR is a home for kitties who are blind or have FIV or FELV.  Everyday, multiple times, the people who manage the houses do tours so you can see all the kitties.  When not doing tours they leave the camera up and running so you can watch the kitties anytime of day.  Most of the time when not on a tour they just sit on their poofy couches and sleep.  Occasionally you can catch them being cute though. :) On slow days like today it's fun for me to get to watch kitties.  Cheers me up some :)

It's been a nice week. The weather has been good and not too many hard things have happened to me. Today I spent the afternoon with some friends watching movies and had dinner together. I feel good right now. Perhaps it's the medication. Whatever the cause I'm grateful to be feeling good. 

Trapped

Well it's Thursday.  One more day and it's the weekend.  Weekends can be tricky for me.  I usually make plans to do things with friends and when I do, I have fun.  But lately, even after I have fun, I've been having anxiety attacks, too.  That's what last Sunday was.  I posted and then had an awful night with fear and the sense that something bad would soon happen and feeling trapped.  I was thinking about that analogy the other day of feeling trapped.  I was thinking this feeling I have isn't the same as feeling trapped like stuck in some place and you're trying your hardest to get out.  This feeling is one of feeling surrounded by monsters and demons and everything that brings you pain and hurt and fear and having nowhere to escape, thus you are trapped.  See they are different.  One is more debilitating than the other.  One is scarier than the other.

Anyways, as I was saying it's almost the weekend.  Work has been slow this week and I've had to suffer through being kicked out of my office at work so some new software could be installed on my computer and then troubleshooted by someone who knows nothing of what he is doing.  Ugh.  We possibly might be starting a new process at my second job that has more steps for me to do.  Yay :(  Not looking forward to it, but on the bright side, it might give me the chance to get more hours than I'm currently getting.  Money's good, yes?

So I don't know if I'll keep up with this blog much longer. I'm feeling really bad these days and I don't want to spread that on here, if anyone would even stick around for that.  I feel a lot of emotional pain and it's pretty difficult to deal with. My friends tell me to hang in there and it will get better, but I don't believe them. How could it. I can see my problems and I can't fix them. There is someone I want more in my life but this person doesn't want me. And how can I fault them. I'm too emotional, too intense, too depressed, too anxious, unable to be my own source of happiness, and more. 

I'm tired. 

Baseline & Doctor Who update

I have to say I appreciate the comments I get from time to time about my blog. They give me reason to keep posting, even though I don't usually have much to say. 

It was rainy and kind of cold today, but I didn't mind it too much. Still waiting for a good thunderstorm to roll in. I ran out of stuff to do at work today so I went home way early. I didn't know what to do with the free time. My check this week will be much less than normal :(  Yesterday and the second half of Monday I felt really good. Today however I can feel myself coming back down again. I'm not below baseline, but coming down mood-wise causes me to feel a little anxious. Because I know eventually I will go back below baseline and have to feel like crap again and fight my way back up. It's tiring :-/ 

I've almost finished the fourth season of Doctor Who. I must say David Tennant has grown on me. I'm sad that he'll be off the show soon. I was already sad they took Billie Piper off, but those episodes she came back for were brilliant :) I love moments where things just feel epic. That was one of them. It was kind of reminding me of Buffy the Vampire Slayer actually. 

Grateful

It's been a minute. I had a rough night last night and despite a good weekend just didn't feel like posting. But I'm back tonight. Can I just take a moment and say that I'm grateful for all of those who help me through my dark times. I have them a lot lately so I appreciate the support and patience and love and willingness to let me express my feelings especially when they are very intense and not pretty. I'm feeling really good right now and that is amazing considering I was the total opposite of that less than 24 hours ago. I'm very grateful. 

Anger

Things have been rough the last couple of days, inwardly at least. I've been feeling discontent. Easily angered. Speaking of anger I'm listening to my angry playlist today. I have to do a job away from my computer so I'm listening to the iPod to help pass the time, but cuz of the way I'm feeling the Disney playlist just wasn't sounding appealing. 

When I was at the doctor's office this week I was asked if I had anxiety and I struggled to answer cuz I wasn't sure. I don't have panic attacks, but I do feel anxious. One of the questions I had on this questionnaire to determine if I had anxiety was if I get easily irritable. Sometimes, like right now, I do. I think I'm trying to mask the anxiety I feel with anger. Anger will run out of fuel though and I'll be left with the things that I worry about and fear. Probably tonight is when it will happen. 

Blah, I dislike feeling this way. 

A trip to the doctor's

I'm in bed now so I guess it's time to write a new post. Today got a little rough for me when I got to my second job, but after awhile I eased out of it. And right now I'm feeling pretty good :)  I worked three jobs today! And I had a visit to the doctor. I had to get some lab work done so they poked me with a needle and took two vials of my blood  0_0  The nurse-lady who did it was really nice though so it was ok. My doctor on the other hand makes me feel...uncomfortable? awkward? like we're not connecting and I just want to get out of there as quick as possible. It's a little frustrating for me. I really like having connections with people. 

Andrew Garfield and Dr Who!!

Holy crap!! Spider-man was on Doctor Who!!! Third season episode 5!! That's awesome

the weekend

Hey everyone, sorry I forgot to post yesterday.  It's been a rough weekend for me and today hasn't been any better.  But I did get out and go somewhere on Saturday.  I went to the new aquarium down in Draper.  It was super busy!  So many people... but the animals I got to see were awesome.  I'd love to go again sometime, perhaps when it is less busy though.  Sunday I continued my movie marathon of the Star Wars series with my friends.  We watched Ep 3 & 4.  I like all the Star Wars movies, but there are things that I wish would be better.  I'm not going to go into it though.  Just not in the mood right now.

Driving my new truck is coming along (it's a manual).  A few random times I've stalled it, like when pulling in my driveway and I run out of momentum, but I'm afraid to give it too much gas while letting off the clutch for fear of it jumping the little space between my and my parent's car too quickly and thus I stalled it...twice.  But for the most part I'm driving well.

Can I just say that fighting/living with/dealing with depression is really hard.  When you get stuck in a funk, it's really hard to get yourself out of it.  And for me, I just want someone to come along and make me feel happier, but it doesn't work that way.  The last couple of nights have been painful and I've felt really alone.  I have friends but I didn't feel like I could talk to any of them, because I know how draining depression is on me and I don't want to be draining to my friends.  I don't want to become someone that they don't want to be around or talk to.  It's just so hard.

Goal

I think it's been awhile. I saw some lightning and heard some thunder today :) Love it. Ready for a big storm. 

So work is getting to me. I get really irritated and I just do not look forward to going, especially when we are busy. It could be worse I concede, but it could also be better. But as long as I need money there isn't much I can do about it :(

I bought a truck as the picture from yesterday illustrates. I like it. It's a manual so I'm getting practiced with a clutch. That's something I've wanted to do since I first learned to drive. I guess I'm finally achieving my goal :)

New truck!

Expectation

I might have some exciting news to share tomorrow. Fingers crossed!

Crazy beautiful weather

It is beautiful outside!!!  All that wind yesterday plus the rain really cleaned the air and it's crispy clear.  I love it.  It's just a little cold :-P  Yesterday when I was down at my third job, when I got there the temperature was in the mid to upper 70s.  I worked for just a little over an hour and by the time I stepped outside to get in my car, it was in the mid to upper 50s!  It was kinda funny.  I watched my thermometer just plummet as I started the engine.  

Well today I am at work waiting for the downfall of lots of stuff to do.  Til then I got nothing.  I guess I will go do the daily jigsaw.

Legend

Still at work here.  I decided to download Audible and listen to a book while working.  I'm listening to Legend.  I know the main girl will change by the end of the book but right now she is just so stuck up, arrogant, proud, and heartless I can't stand her.  Blah!

Dr. Who

Ok, trying to be better today with my post.  So I'm back at work.  I have a little break in between jobs right now...waiting for data so I can do my next job.  In the meantime I got nothin to do which is fine by me.

As I mentioned in a previous post I have been watching Dr Who and yesterday I finished the first season and started the second season.  I didn't know that they were going to regularly be changing the actor who plays the Doctor.  That's weird to me.  And sad.  Cuz what if I like one actor more than another?  Blah.  The SPFX have been better in the second season that the first, I'm assuming because they got more $$$.  It's still not what I am used to but I'm betting that's partly to do with the fact that it's British and also partly to do with the fact that the seasons I've watched so far were done in 2005-6.  I'm interested to see what it will be like when I catch up to the present.  And Billie Piper reminds me of Minnie Driver.  They both have wide jaws.

Ok, anyways, back to work I go.

Today I felt sick and so I stayed home from both jobs.  It was nice.  Now tomorrow I get to go to 3 jobs.  Not much else going on.  Wish  I had more to say.

short one

Today was another fun evening of gaming.  Weekends can be so refreshing after a grueling week.  I don't have much to say right now.  I thank everyone who commented on my previous posts.  Your feedback was appreciated :)

Tomorrow is Easter and I hope if you are celebrating it that you have a good day.  I myself will be dying eggs as part of a long tradition and then eating them!!  Oooh, my mom just brought out the candy, cadbury eggs and other yummy chocolates.  Goooood.

analysis

So I just had a thought and then a question for anyone.  What does it mean that I seek attention and validation from others?  For example, I hate doing things that I find value in by myself because it means more if someone else can be there to share it with me.  I mean, I like riding my motorcycle, but as I'm riding I often have thoughts like, "I wish so-and-so was here to see this".  When I ride my bike to work I am hoping my co-workers are seeing me on the bike and liking it.  When I've done something that took a lot of effort and time and skills on my part I want someone to see what I did and preferably compliment me on it.  It's like, Am I really living if no one else is there to live with me or to see me living?

I feel like I can get into that more, and that I'm not being as explanatory as I'd like to be.  But that is going to have to do for now cuz I gotta get back to work.

Deep thoughts tonight

Ups and downs, ups and downs. 

Last Tuesday I went to see a doctor and today I went to see a doctor. Two separate experiences for two different purposes and two different medical professionals. Today should have been the appointment to dislike but I had a great experience today. And it all had to do with the personalities of the doctors I saw. One made me feel more at ease and kinda happy than the other, even when getting something done that I wasn't looking forward to. I left the office feeling happy and light. My morning job was good today. No mishaps or incidents to upset me. So first half of the day=good. Then I got to my second job and found out I had to do crappy stuff. Plus there is someone there that I don't really like and today was a day I had less tolerance than other days for that person. Luckily I got to play driver and leave the office for a bit. So when I left I was feeling good again, listening to my music with the windows down and enjoying the sunshine. After getting home I went for a ride on my bike which was lovely. Felt really free. Then I came home and caught up in a few tv shows I missed during the week. Thoughts started creeping in, the negative kind. Now a few hours later I am feeling like crap again. Very briefly think of something that is personal for you that makes you feel despair about your hopes and dreams, something legitimate that sinks into your heart and kills all things good and hopeful and light. Don't think too long on it!! I just want it to be known that that is how I was feeling and am still feeling. It sucks and I can't get out of it. 

So I'm going to be religious for a sec, those of you who want to can stop reading now...

I wonder if Christ knew what it felt like, to really really want something and not be able to have it. I kinda feel like because he was so perfect he doesn't know what it feels like to be obsessive about something, to want something so badly in an unhealthy way. Not my will but thine. It feels like he never had his own separate will though, like he never even wanted to do something contrary to heavenly father's. Of course "thy will be done". It's just frustrating because I feel like he doesn't get it. I can't think of him and say he let his will be swallowed up in the father's so I should be able to do that too, cuz he and I are absolutely nothing alike. I am deeply deeply flawed and I can't just stop wanting something or someone that I want so badly it hurts deep down in my soul and makes life seem less desirable. 

Now I feel tired. 

...

Last night was not so great. I got home around 7:00 and just wanted to sit and watch a tv show then go to bed. Well I couldn't do the first so I just went to bed. Now it's about 6:00am and I'm at my morning job getting ready to work. Have to go to the doctor again today, ugh. Not looking forward to it but I'll be glad to have it done. 

So I started watching Doctor Who yesterday while placing stamps on envelopes at work. Saw the first three episodes. I'm withholding my critique of it til I watch more of it. Jury is still out :) 

Sleep deprived

Well I did it. I did three jobs today. And I rode my bike. Now I'm way tired and something might be wrong with my bike. I'm feeling far past spent. And I'm feeling vulnerable. It's just been a very very long day and I'm ready to sleep forever. 

three jobs isn't so bad...right?

I don't have much to write tonight.  I should've exercised when I got home from work, but I was tired and still a little sore from working this morning.  So I didn't.  I don't know where to find the fire to get moving.  I think about going for a run or a bicycle ride or to the gym and I just feel tired thinking about it.  Maybe I'm working too much?  I am gone from 5am to 5pm with only my driving time in between jobs as my break.  I don't know.  I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow and I'm planning on talking to him about medication.  I used to be on some but it ran out and since I had no insurance but was about to get some I figured I'd wait til I was covered to make a doc appointment.  It just happened to be about 2ish months of waiting where I went off of my meds.  I don't even have any symptoms of withdrawal anymore (those were annoying).  So we'll see.  Maybe medicine would make a difference.

My friend a few weeks back asked me to help her with some stuff relating to my previous job.  I said sure because if it gives me an opportunity to see and hang out with her for a bit then it's worth it.  But now I found out tonight that she might not even be there.  I'm a little torn.  Under different circumstances I'd be fine even with her not there.  However I work 2 jobs and this would mean going to a third one, all back-to-back.  I said I'd do it though, so I guess I will go.  :-/  I feel like I might get sucked back in to this 3rd job though.  Maybe that wouldn't be so bad.  It's not like I really hang out with people.  And I do need the money.  But the company I used to work for really needs to find someone else to do what they want me to help out with.  Because I won't be there when it gets really busy and they need the extra pair of hands.

Blah, I think I will ride my bike tomorrow.  At least then I can enjoy the ride from one place to the next.

Captain America 2 & Rio 2

Ok so I'm going to do my review for two movies that I saw over the last two weekends. First, Captain America 2 :)

I've been excited for this movie. When the first one came out it was all set in WWII times and was cool but not as cool as I had hoped. Then Avengers showed us a more up-to-date Captain but because of all the players and the storyline there wasn't much time to focus just on the Captain. So finally this installment delivered for me. We got to see more fighting, answered some questions about how Rogers was dealing with his cliffhanger past, just offered an enjoyable and relatable (I think) storyline and plot. Plus Captain America is just a good guy, he does what's right and I like that in a character. He has morals and holds to them. And the movie got me really excited for Avengers 2. 

I also saw Rio 2 this weekend. I wasn't expecting much from this movie. Mostly I wanted to hear the music because I quite enjoyed it in the first movie. And I felt like the music was good in the sequel as well. I like the big numbers involving lots of singers and rhythms and chanting and it just makes you want to move your body. I've noticed John Powell, who composed the music for Rio 2, does well with that type of music.  One of the first songs that I noticed of his was from Ice Age 2? with the all the mini sloths chanting and singing. 

SPOILER

The one moment that had me actually laughing with delight was to hear Kristin Chenoweth's voice coming from a bright pink frog in her silly but very talented way of singing about deadly love. I love her. Think she's a hoot. Was happy to hear her voice in the movie. :)

So there's my two cents. Hope you found them helpful/entertaining/informative/silly/not too spoiling/enticing/whatever ;)

good day today

Wow, what a great day today was.  The weather was wonderful, I stayed busy being creative and doing, I spent the day with good friends, and I played games and had pizza for dinner!  Oh, and I rode my bike ;P  Haha, really though, it was just a really good day.  I needed it.

So, I have to say, because I make observations just in passing, I noticed some things in my emotions today.  There is someone that I've gotten to hang out with that I noticed I feel happy around.  You know there are just people out there that resonate with us on our levels and make us feel good just because of who they are.  I now have met someone like that and it makes me feel happy right now.  Yay :)

Ok well I just wanted to share my positivity.  PS, I saw some awesome lightning tonight after gaming and visiting with friends.

trying an early day post

Ok, I just got to my second job and so I'm going to try and type a post right now while I'm still feeling pretty decent.  Apparently today is my one year anniversary of working at OnTrac.  Woohoo, I stayed committed for a year. ;) Today is also doughnut Friday!  I just finished eating my delicious glazed doughnut.  I look forward to Fridays :D

Now I don't know what else to say.  :P  Hmmm, I'll have to come back again and maybe type another post later.  Ciao!

No title

I feel tired physically and emotionally. I don't know how your Facebook newsfeeds look but mine has a fair amount of posts and articles about issues of our day and it's worn me out today. The overall feeling I get is one of anxiety and disappointment and the thoughts that come are of how messed up our world is. 

I'm tired. I have a gray boring cloud over me. I might stay off of Facebook for awhile, but then I don't know what I'll do to stay sane at work. 

A person I work with, who doesn't know me and I don't know him, his dad died. A lot of the warehouse crew took the day off to go to his funeral today. I feel bad for him in a distant sort of way. I think I have an idea of some of the feelings associated with losing a loved one, but I feel cold enough about my own circumstances right now that I'm not really empathizing with him. 

Has anyone else noticed a definite downward trend to my blog lately? I have and I can't seem to break it. Maybe I should start writing from work when I first get there. I'm usually in a better mood then. 

I miss my friend. 

MIA no more

I missed a day O_O

Sorry about that.  Yesterday had a rough patch in the middle of the day.  I had to go home way early from work (approx 1:30ish) and I was freaking out about having to go home and not knowing what to do and being alone with no one to talk to or see.  So my mom came home early around 3ish and we spent the rest of the evening playing on the Wii.  I did also wash my car and my motorcycle.  They iz shiny now ;)  In fact I rode my bike to work today so I could show it off :)

Now I'm at work, trying to make up for the fact that I missed posting yesterday!  I kind of have work to do today.  Normally for my job I process data and print out the paper work and staple a copy of the job it's for to the paper work. However today I do not have any copies of the jobs we're doing next week.  So I'm doing the paper work but creating a pile which I will get to go through again tomorrow and match it up with the appropriate copy of the job.  See, I kind of have work, half the work, to do today.  I'm really not complaining.  I'm glad I don't have to go home early again today.  And tomorrow is FRIDAY!!!  Woohoo!

Ok back to work!

Jedi mind tricks

Well, it didn't last long.  I am feeling just a tad anxious right now.  I'm thinking about going to bed. 

They say that acceptance can help you feel at peace even about things that you don't like.  However, if you accept something, it doesn't mean you forever accept it, at least not with me.  I at one moment can feel like I've accepted my situation and then a day later I think I've not accepted it again.  I'm not fighting my situation, but I'm not....here's an analogy.  It's like I'm still standing and not sitting down.  I'm not fighting, but I'm not sitting down either, so I guess there is still some fighting going on, passive aggressive fighting. 

I'm trying not to fight.  I'm trying to tell my heart that it needs to stop and let it go.  It will be ok.  But my heart keeps feeling afraid.  I keep feeling afraid.  And fear makes it hard to feel peace through acceptance.  Fear also makes it hard to have hope.  In this situation the practice of facing my fear doesn't work.  So how do I overcome my fear?  I guess mantras, breathing, mindfulness, etc.  Mind tricks I like to call them.  JEDI MIND TRICKS!  Lol, ok that gave me a smile. 

I've been told when we do things and think things it creates neural pathways in the brain.  So when you do or think the same things over and over again it starts to ingrain the pathway in the brain, ie. habits.  In order to create new pathways you have to keep thinking or doing something different over and over until eventually the old pathway becomes covered in...weeds, or whatever paths do when they discontinue to be used.  I can't think of the term.  In muscle terminology it would be atrophy.  I've got some pretty deeply ingrained negative thinking neural pathways that are a major pain in my neck to overcome.  Yet someone who's known me for 3 years now says that she has seen progress, of me changing the way I think about things and changing how I react and act about certain things.  So that's good I suppose.

a much better post I promise

Hey everyone.  Sorry about the last few posts.  It was a rough week.  I am feeling better right now though, so this should be a good lighthearted post. 

I love the weather right now!  It's warm.  There are tulips blossoming in my front yard, 3 lovely yellows and one bright red.  They make me happy to see them.  I also noticed some new life growing on the rose bushes too.  I love my front yard when the trees are full of leaves, the grass is thick and green, and the flowers are all blooming, and the sky is blue, the birds are chirping, a slight breeze is in the air, there is just so much life!  I love it!  And of course my kitties come and see me and sometimes follow me around the yard.  :)

I've been out riding my motorcycle too, getting better at the skills I've learned.  I really want to find some people to go riding with.  So if you read this and you want to take me up on that offer just let me know.  I'm also going to be doing some searching to see if I can find a group to ride with.  I'm gonna be in a biker gang!!  Hahaha.

Well it's late, and morning comes fast for me.  Goodnight everyone!

Mormon Apostle

I'm ready to go to sleep and am just lying in bed listening to the conference talks I missed. 

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2014/04?lang=eng&vid=3438304098001&cid=4

I appreciate Pres. Uchtdorf. I know he isn't teaching anything that the other general authorities haven't also taught, but he says it in such a way that it reaches me. When he speaks I feel a little more comfort and hope. I'm grateful he is an Apostle right now. 

The weekend

By most accounts this weekend has been a good weekend. I went to a baseball game, had breakfast/lunch with friends, saw captain america, and spent the night with friends watching movies and enjoying good company. I also rode my bike several times. I had fun and felt mostly happy. 

Yet I feel sad and wish I could change what is causing me to feel this way. I feel like I am losing a friend. I am sitting right now listening to Conference and feeling worse. I find no comfort from the things that are being shared right now. I hate losing friends. It is the greatest source of pain I've experienced in my life, when the friend is someone I have grown close to and had hopes for. 

I know, time is the only remedy.  I think also how I feel about being alone is mixed in with how I feel about losing a friend...making it bigger, more acute. 

I'm so ready for a different life. 

Bees bikes and better tomorrows

I am so ready for warmer weather. I went for a ride tonight on my bike and it was so cold. And I think it was only 50°. Probably just a few degrees below that. Anyways I was thinking how nice it will be to ride my motorcycle when it's a lot warmer. 

I went to a baseball game tonight with a friend. The home team won so that was pretty good. My friend's friends were quite loud and liked to heckle the away team a lot. That's not really my style but it's not my place to stop them or tell them what they shouldn't do. They had fun so whatever :)

Tomorrow is looking to be a good day so I am pretty optimistic about it. I think I will be seeing the movie Captain America. 

Succinct

Well, today was not the greatest, it was barely even good. Kinda felt hurt. But whatever, I don't want to talk about it. 

Got my bike back today. Felt good to ride it again. Now could the weather please warm up?

In my head

I've put a lot of effort into learning to not be afraid of things. Spiders, creepy crawlers, snakes, walking alone at night, scary movies, death---things I'm not afraid of. Yet, you know that feeling you get when you have to take a test? It's not as nerve-racking as having to perform or speak in public before tens of thousands of people. I mean the slightly anxious feeling you sometimes get but it's small enough you can sort of put it in the back of your mind. I feel like I have that feeling  every day. Just a small knot of anxiety that I've been living with for a long time now. 

I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't know if I can. It feels like something needs to happen so I can feel better. Sure I can be distracted from it, but it never goes away. 

I just realized all this tonight while lying awake in bed. I was trying to think of times when I didn't feel this way and there are a few moments, I think. It's hard to say because my memories could be faulty. 

I don't know what I would like to happen about this. Obviously I want to feel at ease and at peace, but the thing with anxiety is that it makes it hard for you to act and cause change, because you feel too anxious about it.  Constantly fighting the desire to curl up in bed and zone out. Or the desire to do anything that would numb the feeling. It's a downward spiral for sure. 

Need a break. 

My mom's tulips are about to bloom. I knelt down to look at one today and told it that it needed to wait just a few more days cuz it was still too cold for it to open up. 

poof! i'm back

Missed a day.  Crap?

I decided to go to bed early last night, like 7pm early. 

I've been in recluse mode lately.  Not really wanting to talk much.  Ever feel overloaded by too much analytical thinking and the emotions that tie in to the thoughts?  I guess that's me right now.  Does anyone else feel kinda blah when they lay their feelings on a particular subject on the line and get no feedback?  Lol, I guess what can you expect if you are talking to a pet, or a tree, or the sky, or an empty room.  That kinda made me smile imagining that.

Ever think about how cool the snow line on a mountain side looks?  As I was driving home today I was noticing that on our mountains, the line where everything up got snowed on but everything below received rain.  It's amazing.  In the atmosphere there is a definite point between warm enough to be rain and cold enough to be snow.  I wonder what it would look like if that layer was color coded.  I guess it would kinda be like raising through a cloud or smog.

Kinda feeling down tonight.

Late wintery weather

It snowed today!!!!  Ahhhh!!  No likey.  Want 70 degree weather now.  BUT, on the flipside, I heard thunder today!  I love lightning and thunder.  I am way excited to get into thunderstorm season.  Bring on the lightning.  And, at least I don't live up in Idaho right now.  My friend showed me a pic of her backyard today and they got dumped on by the white stuff.  This week will start off April.  Trees will soon start budding and flowers will start blooming.  In my frontyard the tulips are just about ready to POP!  Assuming they didn't get froze to death by the snow today... They are tough Utah tulips.  They will be strong and survive the icky late winter storm!  [I hope so anyways]

Well I just checked the weather forecast for this week and it looks like we're in for cold and somewhat wet.  Seriously.  Can I move to Hawaii? :-/

Noah film review

Do not see this movie.

I am not talking about inaccuracies or whatever else you might be thinking since this is a movie about a person who really existed (I think most people would agree about that), or that it is based off a book and movies have a habit of not following books.  No, this is far far worse.

I nearly cried because of this movie, not from joy, not from sadness, but from pure pain to my very being.  I literally feel like what I just saw was damaging to my soul.  Why?!  Why were the things that were depicted in this movie necessary to be shown, to be played out by actors and CGI?  There is evil in this world, horrible horrible evil, and it takes many forms, and I would never advocate turning a blind eye to it.  But it is wrong to show it in a medium for entertainment!  There are good men and women who have gone and will still go to war and see horrible things while fighting for a just and true cause and it must be done for good and right to prevail because we live in a fallen world.  But it is wrong to re-create those horrible things they saw in the name of realism or accuracy or whatever other excuse filmmakers may use to depict them in movies.  It is not necessary, it is not good for us to see.  It is damaging.

Do not go see this movie!  Yes there were some good parts of this movie, but there were far too many bad parts to make the good worth while.  I am really upset right now.  I wish I had known what I was paying for.

Ok, if you want to hear another critique of this film here you go:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rev-otis-moss-iii/a-biblical-review-of-noah_b_5056256.html

Maybe I am too sensitive.  Or maybe the world is becoming de-sensitized.  You decide for yourself.  But I recommend this movie to no one.

This is from IMDb: [SPOILER]


In one scene, Noah travels to a village to find wives for his sons. He finds them acting like animals; we see babies being taken away for food, and women are traded for livestock. An animal is thrown into a crowd and violently eviscerated alive. Noah then sees a vision of himself amongst the crowd, eating the animal's flesh raw and growling like an animal. This entire scene is extremely frightening and intense.

Worst movie

I just saw a horrible movie. What good qualities were in it were consumed by the horrible awfulness that was also in it

Not much here

Today was a long day. Lots and lots of doing the same thing over and over again at work. 

Decided to stay in tonight. I don't know, going out and meeting up with people just felt like a lot of work. And I think I was being particular, or you could call it picky sure, about what kind of atmosphere I was looking for. I don't know. I'm tired and having a hard time thinking straight. So glad tomorrow is Saturday :)

a missionary moment

Hello everyone!! I'm in a pretty fantastic mood right now.  I got my license plate back for my motorcycle.  Yay! So now I don't have to pay for another one!  Thank you to whatever lady found my plate and turned it into the police department.

Good things come in threes, I also won some free stuff at the Norwex party I went to tonight at my cousin's house.  AND, I got a bonus check because my work exceeded our goal for the first quarter of the year.  All the employees got bonus checks!  Let me tell you, nothing like a good business owner who treats their employees well to make me want to work better at my job.  And that is why I am in high spirits tonight.  Well, those are some of the reasons why, not all of them, but the funnest reasons. ;)

Ok I had an experience I wanted to share from last night when I was waiting for my friends so we could meet up and go to the Jazz game.  If you are familiar with Salt Lake you will know that the arena where the Jazz play is near Temple Square aka Mormon headquarters :-P  So while I was waiting I decided to go wait inside one of the visitor centers on Temple Square cuz it is warmer inside and I could sit down.  Well there of course are tons of missionaries floating around the area mostly sister missionaries.  I didn't want to talk to any of them.  I was once a sister missionary, in another state, so I know how they work and I just didn't want to talk to any of them.  I wasn't in the mood.  I was doing really good at not getting their notice til about 5 minutes before I was supposed to meet my friends, two of them came up to me and started talking to me. Internal eye roll and sigh of exasperation.  HOWEVER, it turned out to be a good experience.  Luckily these were two sister missionaries who were more....how can I put this....more real...down-to-earth...they didn't jump right into bearing their testimonies and preaching to me and trying to teach me like good missionaries do.  (Nothing wrong with that, fyi, I just wouldn't have appreciated it so much at that moment).  They just asked me who I was and why I was there.  I told them about going to the Jazz game and waiting for friends in warm comfy atmosphere.  To cut it short, basically I felt really comfortable around them and that enabled me to lower my wall and just be real with them.  Of course they committed me to do something cuz that is what missionaries do :) but I was ok with that.  I just know that when I said goodbye and headed off to the game I was feeling pretty good.  Thank you Spirit.

Bikers wanted

Well I'm going to be up late busy again tonight so I'm posting now. I'm off to a jazz game tonight with some friends. 

Today was slow at work. I spent the majority of my time in the warehouse section just hanging out and helping the crew in the back. 

I'm feeling kinda blah right now. I'm dealing with some emotions like sadness and frustration. I've got a situation that I don't like but can't do much to change it, so I'm trying to accept it. Anyone else understand that acceptance can be hard? Hence the frustration. But I am trying. I know I will feel better, happier, if I can accept the situation as opposed to continually fighting it. 

In other news...I got my motorcycle endorsement today for bikes of any engine size. No limits. 

I am happy about that. Now I just have to be patient a little longer til I can get my bike back from it's second time in the shop. Anyone reading this wanna go on a ride with me when I get my bike back? :) 

glee

Work today was no fun.  We didn't have much for me to do so I ended up doing a few jobs that no one really wanted to do and had been putting off.  Yay for me.  But I will have plenty to do tomorrow now so that's good I guess. 

I just got done watching one of my favorite TV shows, or it used to be anyways.  It had sorta fallen from grace and I've been too busy to really watch any TV, but tonight I wasn't doing anything.  It was a good episode.  Felt like the old days type of episode.  And as I was watching I wanted to share how I was feeling, share my excitement about what I was enjoying and loving.  Then I realized I didn't have anyone to share with.  Deflated balloon. :(  Don't get me wrong, I know people and could've told them, but none of them care for this show, and no one would have understood why I was excited and loving what I was seeing and feeling.  And you guessed it, this made me feel alone. 

I am betting that most everyone knows that feeling of wanting to share, wanting to connect in a moment of positivity with someone else who, at least in that moment, is the same as you, who understands why you feel that way cuz they are feeling it, too.  Now the last thing I want is to be alone now, but it's nighttime, on weeknight, and I work in the morning, so I have to get ready for bed. 

Anyways, it was a good episode.

Divergent

Ok. Here are my thoughts on Divergent: I like Shailene Woodley :) Yes the movie changed things as all movies based on books do. Some might argue that it changes the points and themes and moods of the book. Sometimes I'd agree but I still feel like Divergent followed the spirit of the book. Perhaps the movie was a little less edgy and dark as the book, but I am not bothered too much by that. Mostly I really enjoyed the performance of Shailene Woodley. I thought she conveyed strength and vulnerability at the same time. Plus she is easy on the eye. And she reminds me of a friend of mine. 

So I'd love to own this movie and watch the special features and I'm looking forward to the next two installments. :) Oh, and it was fun seeing Kate Winslet play her character, though she made me like her character cuz I like her. But you aren't supposed to like her character. Ugh, oh well :)

Just takin a break from work

Hello everybody :)  It's a beautiful day today, yes?  Yes.  Well not much of interest has happened yet today, which I'll take as a good thing.  That means I'm not having any negative thoughts affecting me today :)  Woohoo!  I'm just at work right now, typing away at addresses.  Such a glamorous job I have I know ;)

I keep thinking about my bike.  I really wanna go for a ride :-P  Patience, patience.

Tonight I am going to see Divergent.  I'm surprised at how long of a movie it is.  I was informed that it is 2.5 hours long.  Wow, it better be good.  I've read all the books so I know what I'm getting myself into.  Stay tuned later tonight or tomorrow for my critique.  I'll be sure to give spoiler alerts if I decide to talk about the plot or what happens at all.

Yay, I love being in a good mood.  Ok back to work now I go.

part 2

Ha, sorry.  I fell asleep while writing my post last night.  So yesterday when I was at SLCC taking my motorcycle endorsement riding test, my bike died :(  I accidentally left the key in the on position just for a minute or two while the instructor was talking to us.  I noticed my error and quickly fixed it but when I went to start my bike it wouldn't turnover.  I got help doing a push start and got it going, but I had to keep it in first gear cuz we were in a parking lot and that killed it.  So, couldn't get the bike going.  The MSF instructor let me use one of their bikes no charge (thankfully).  That was hard by the way, riding a bike I wasn't used to, without a chance to warm up on it, for the endorsement test.  But as you read in the previous post, I still passed and am now legally able to ride ANY type of motorcycle, no matter how big it is ;)  Ok back to the story.  The instructor had a battery charger so I was able to charge my bike's battery enough to get it started.  Then I rode it down to my mechanic in Salt Lake where he figured out that the battery was good, but something was making it so it wasn't holding a charge properly.  That's why even after getting it started it died when it was idling or in first gear.  So once again I have no bike to ride and the weather is GORGEOUS today :(  Oh, and my license plate fell off I think at some point while I was riding my bike.  Now I have to pay for a duplicate license.  Ugh, money I hate you!!  OH, and since I rode my bike to the shop I was stranded with no way of getting myself home.  Called the parents, no answer.  So a friend came and got me.  Oi, what a long day.  And after that I spent the rest of the evening at my friend's house with him and his wife and other friends playing games, and then talking til after 2:00am about whatever topic popped into our heads :-D

See, what a day. 

What a day

What. A. Day. 

Nearly 3:00am and I am just getting into bed. Today started when I woke up on my friend's couch after having fallen asleep there some hours prior. Yay sleepover! But I missed my kitty. Then it was back home to get my bike so I could head down to West Jordan to take a riding test to get my endorsement for the bigger bikes. Happy to report I passed my test :).

March Madness!

Well I'm at work again.  I'm not sure the likelihood of posting if I wait til tonight to do it.  Last night I ended up hanging out with a friend most of the night so by the time I got home it was way too late and I was tired.  And I foresee tonight being similar.  Who's been listening/watching/following March Madness?  I wasn't planning on it, but I am :)  It gives me something to listen to while I'm at work.  And speaking of basketball, just about 40 minutes ago Mercer upset Duke.  I love sports!  I love basketball! Needless to say I'm in a pretty good mood right now.  Now I'm listening to Tennessee play against Massachusetts.  I'm routing for UT.  Soft spot for Tennessee since I lived there for nearly 18 months.  So far they are playing well, the score is 10-6.

Getting back to work now.  ;)

This is a serious post

I have a lot on my mind right now. I want to talk about something that others may not even believe exists. As far as I know Christians believe in right and wrong and they believe in such a thing as sinning. If you are reading this and you believe right and wrong is relevant, that's fine. I'm not here to argue, so just enjoy this read. I address the rest of you when I say we all have our "favorite sins": those things we do that we know are wrong but we have a hard time not doing them. 

Today I was talking with a friend and I realized I don't want to give up my favorite sin [and I'm not going to make a judgement about that cuz I'm just not in the mood to play the judgement game right now].  For me, it's not even a feeling of I really don't want to do this but I can't stop myself. It's so much deeper than that. My "sin" is inextricably woven in to who I am. I'm not saying who I am is a sin, but because of who I am, I really really want to keep my favorite sin. I wish it wasn't a sin. To me and my heart and my being, I feel like it shouldn't be a sin and I get so pissed off because I know it is and nothing I think or say or do can change that. To say it puts me in a bad spot is a frikkin understatement. 

I want to do what's right. That is so deeply ingrained in me that I think it's genetic and that I came out of the womb wanting to do what is right. It is a part of who I am. However, as strong as that side of me is, I also want this other thing just as strongly and it conflicts with me. But this other desire is also me. It's just as much who I am and genetic as is my desire to do right. The conflict inside of me is so divisive that I have yet to commit to either path. I don't feel like I can because to choose one, whichever one, makes me feel like.... I just can't make the choice. 

I am frustrated right now. 

5 minute therapy session...GO!

Ok I'm at work now and today has been a struggle.  I just want to shake this feeling I'm having of being stuck and sad and down and helpless.  Blah!!!  I don't like feeling like this, but this is a typical day about 50% of the time.

 Ok what are some things good in my life?  I love that I have cats.  They are so cute and playful and cuddly and affectionate and expressive and soft.  And did I mention cute? :)  I have a few pretty good friends, some of which actually know what I deal with on a day-to-day basis and are available as a support.  I have a job, a source of income, that keeps me afloat, or at least keeps me from sinking to the bottom of the financial woes ocean. [so easy to slide to the negative]

What can I look forward to?  Life not always being like this for forever.  Moments of pure happiness.  Better than nothing.
...and this is where I start to struggle.  I'm not sure what I have to look forward to, at least in a more detailed and immediate future fashion.  I don't know what I want.  I don't have something to shoot for, something to give me meaning and motivation during times like this when I'm feeling the way I feel.  I know I want to be happy, but I don't know what will bring me that happiness.  And in the meantime I'm trying to stay positive, but it's SO hard sometimes....a lot of the time....  blah! [ok that brought me a little chuckle]

O_O

Did I mention I love pizza!

Great night tonight.  I had 6 slices of pizza!!!!  Yes, I know that's way too much, but right now I don't care :)  So today was kinda lagging until this evening.  I got to my morning job on time which is good and we finished before 9:00 so I even made it to my second job on time, too.  But there wasn't enough for me to do at my second job so I ended up going home a little early.  Yeah, that's awesome to get to go home early, but money is really tight for me right now and I need every minute I can get.  Hopefully I can make up for that later in the week.  I came home with a slight headache and decided to take a nap.  I love naps!!  It was good.  I felt refreshed afterwards.  Which was what I needed as I headed off to FHE.  If you don't know what FHE is feel free to comment me ;)  I had a good time tonight.  We visited some people (or tried to in some cases) then came back and had pizza.  That was my favorite part :D  And of course socialized.  I got to talk to and meet quite a few people.  I left feeling really good.  I'm kinda looking forward to the next activity so I can see how many people I remember.  I hope I can make some new friends from all this. 

Anywho, off to bed now.  I'm trying to do better at getting enough sleep so I don't wake up late and miss my morning job :-/  Later!

Whole. Complete. Happy. At peace.

As most of my Sundays normally are, today has been a short day.  I didn't do much and I'm off to bed early to wake up early for my morning job tomorrow.  I did however go to dinner with some friends at a friend's house tonight.  I almost didn't go.  About an hour or so before dinner time I was talking myself out of going, but I'm glad I went.  I got to meet some new people and get to know them better, and I felt better being around people than I would've felt I think by myself, in my room, looking at stuff on my phone 0_0

I think there is a trick to life.  I don't think we get everything we want, everything we think that will make us the most happy we could be.  I think the people out there who really are just super happy and love their life are people who have figured out this trick.  I can't tell you what the trick is, cuz I don't know it.  If I did I'd be happier and love my life.  I haven't figured it out yet.  Lately I've been trying to be more social, be more involved in my friends' lives, have things planned on weekends so I wasn't just cooped up in my room for 2 days til it was time to go to work again.  I've been doing this because a lot of people have suggested that this would make me happier.  And it has! But...I still have this feeling that there is something more that I need.  It is not a want, it feels like a need.  I need this something to feel whole.  I've had the thought that maybe this is just as good as it gets and I have to learn how to live life not feeling like I'm complete, but still pretty happy here and there to most of the time.  But then I think, no way!  I've seen people who look like they are really happy and seem to very much feel complete and whole and like they've figured something out about living life.  I have my ideas on what I think will make me feel whole, but so far I've not proven my ideas to be right.  In fact they might be wrong, I'm not sure.

These have been my thoughts for awhile now.  I wish I didn't feel like I was missing something.  I wish I felt at peace.  And if my ideas are wrong, I hope I figure out the right idea.  I don't want to live life feeling like I need something but just have to do without.  There's got to be a way, a trick, to feel whole and complete and happy and at peace.

Movie critiques: Lego Movie and Non-Stop

A pretty busy Saturday for me today.  Two movies and 5 hours of gaming.  I went and saw the Lego Movie with my cousin.  This for me is one of those movies that can be a little overbearing sometimes with the predictable and frequently-used story arcs, but what I think was the most impressive aspect was all the Lego creations they made.  Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that was filmed using stop motion animation.  I leaned over to my cousin during the movie and said that I think the filmmakers probably had too much fun making that movie.  OH!! So people often ask, What's your favorite type/genre of movie? And I often reply that I like most genres just really not comedy.  Well the Lego movie is a good example of why I don't like comedy.  They wrote and did a lot of things that were meant to be funny, but I just didn't think they were.  You know what I mean?  I don't like it when a film tries to be funny.  Just not my cup of tea :)

The second movie I saw with a friend was Non-Stop.  I really enjoyed watching this movie.  I was content with the story and the ending and not bothered by anything except one thing.  Hopefully this won't be viewed as a spoiler, but I felt like the air marshal character was too rough with the people he suspected.  I don't think that's right, to be that physically rough with someone you simply suspect as a bad guy, but have yet to prove it.  Personally, and this is just me, I don't like the idea of being really physically rough even if the person really is a bad guy.  To me it shows a lack of self-discipline and self-mastery in the person who's supposed to be on the side of justice and rightness.  Idk, I've seen it played out before in TV shows and movies and depending on the degree of physicality I may or may not feel uncomfortable about it.  All I'm saying is that I felt uncomfortable about it in this movie today.  Of course there could be other factors involved I'm sure. :)

In other news, gaming was fun, but I had a hard time keeping my patience with one of the other players and I need to do better at keeping myself in check.  Speaking of self-discipline and self-mastery, right ;)  Ah, this life is our time to become better than we were.