Another big one.

Can't sleep. Got a lot going through my head tonight. I've decided I'm going to reveal something about myself. Some of you already know this. To my family members who don't know this and this is a surprise, I hope you can get to a point of understanding. To the people in my ward, know that this thing I'm about to reveal is a big reason why I have such a hard time going to church.  

Ok drumroll.... 

I am attracted to women. No idea how this makes you feel. So if I get any comments then I'll address them. How this makes me feel though is pretty complicated. Conflicted would be an understatement. 

I don't know how much I want to divulge.... This thing that is a part of me touches many different aspects of my life and does influence my depression and anxiety in many ways. I won't go so far as to say it is the root of them. Let's just say it's all simbiotic. 

In a different vein of this topic I say that I need people in my life. Good and kind people who are understanding and care. I'm trying to love myself and find happiness in myself, but people, important people, enrich my life and bring more happiness than I could have on my own. 

Part of my anxiety comes from the fear and pain of rejection and abandonment and so I have a hard time having people in my life. I get hurt really easily and this makes me want to isolate myself for protection. I also get very down on myself and thus have another reason to want to isolate so I don't spread my negativity to others. 

How are these two things related? I don't know, they just seem to be in my head. Ok. I'm ready for the ripples of reaction.