Bicycle experience

Tomorrow is Friday! 

So tonight I worked on my bicycle a bit. I cleaned the chain and lubed it, put air in the tires, and wiped down most of the dirt from sitting in the garage all winter. Then I took it for a short spin and wow! My body struggled to remember how it feels to ride a pedal bike. I'm used to a motorcycle. I'm used to a heavier, lower seated, motorcycle with handles that are thicker and angled slightly different. It was weird :)  But in a good way. I wish I could have the day off tomorrow to go for a ride on it. I guess maybe over the weekend I'll get out. 

Summertime

At work right now.  I've finished everything I had that I could work on and am left here to twiddle my thumbs :P  It's possible they might send me to the warehouse portion of the building so I'm trying to hide.  It's hot back there!  Not much has happened the last few days.  I got home from my mini vacation to Hilton Head last Monday night.  I'm starting to peel a little bit from the sunburn I got there.  It wasn't a bad burn, just an area that didn't get the right amount of sunscreen as the rest of me did.  Yesterday I went home early from work, cuz once again I ran out of stuff to do, and decided to mow the lawn.  My family has a new lawn mower.  The old one was a major pain to try and start.  This one is easy-peezy in comparison :)  Then I got to spend some time on the newly mowed grass with my cute kitty Jo.  That was fun.  It was warm, but not too hot (for me that is), and I was feeling content.  Because it has gotten so warm all my cats are shedding a lot and I got fur all over my arms and face.  I needed to scratch my face but couldn't because the fur on my hands would only make it worse.  Ah, the joys of summertime ;)

Nothing bad has really happened today yet I've been crying. It's been a good day, I've been able to do things I don't normally get the chance to do very often, but I still feel sad and in pain. I had a friend once who told me that when she got sick as a little girl she would lie down on the bathroom floor and her mom would sit with her and run her fingers through her hair.  So later on when she was older she'd still remember that when she was sick and kind of long for it. When I feel this way I don't have much fight left in me and I want to lie down and escape from the crappy feelings. My strength is gone. I wish I had someone to turn to. But I think that's part of the problem, that I need someone else to help me feel better. I can't be that person I need for myself. Not yet anyways. 

Xmen review

I just saw Xmen: Days of Future Past. I loved it! I was so excited about it that by the end of the movie I was bouncing in my seat :)  I was amazed and happy that they were able to bring back characters like Storm, Iceman, and Kitty. And I was geeking out over the fact that this movie would bring Xmen First Class actors together with the original Xmen trilogy actors. I don't want to give too much away but I just loved the ending. So many horrible things that were screwed up in Xmen Last Stand were made right with the ending of this movie. Loved it!!! My friend told me that they were planning on making another Xmen trilogy. I totally support that! Super excited to see what new things they can do :)

motorcycle blues

It's a blah day today.  I was out riding my motorcycle last night and it started decelerating while I was on the freeway. I've already put a lot into that bike to get it running.  I want a new bike.  :(  I wish I had more money to get one.  I want to get a new one.  So it won't have any age-related problems.  And will already be in running-order.  I'm in a funk now.

work stuff

Back at work again as I type this.  I have nothing to do again.  It's kinda annoying actually because I know that I have a lot of stuff that will need to be done by the end of this week but I can't work on any of it til I have a report to tell me what to work on.  [sigh]  Maybe I'll go eat my lunch now so when the report does come and I get dumped on with work, I won't have to worry about taking time out to eat.  Sounds good.

So this morning at my first job we got done with the sort (I sort boxes, it's a shipping company) way early than normal especially for the amount of pieces we had to sort today.  The packages were coming down my conveyor belt so fast, me and my "belt-mate" (co-worker who sorts on the same conveyor belt as me) could barely keep up.  All the other belts have more than two people on them because they are longer belts or get more volume.  But I swear if they are going to make a habit of going as fast as they were today, then they should put at least one more person on my belt.  I told the manager that.  I doubt he'll do anything about it.  Stupid businesses.  I hate the way people are treated in businesses.

Blind Cat Rescue

Hey everyone.  Currently at work right now.  I don't have anything to do at the moment.  It's supposed to get real busy this week though so I'm not complaining.  Not much going on.  I'm watching a ustream of blind cats. Blind Cat Rescue ustream if you want to check it out.  I can't remember if I've talked about BCR before or not.  Well, in case I didn't, the BCR is a home for kitties who are blind or have FIV or FELV.  Everyday, multiple times, the people who manage the houses do tours so you can see all the kitties.  When not doing tours they leave the camera up and running so you can watch the kitties anytime of day.  Most of the time when not on a tour they just sit on their poofy couches and sleep.  Occasionally you can catch them being cute though. :) On slow days like today it's fun for me to get to watch kitties.  Cheers me up some :)

It's been a nice week. The weather has been good and not too many hard things have happened to me. Today I spent the afternoon with some friends watching movies and had dinner together. I feel good right now. Perhaps it's the medication. Whatever the cause I'm grateful to be feeling good. 

Trapped

Well it's Thursday.  One more day and it's the weekend.  Weekends can be tricky for me.  I usually make plans to do things with friends and when I do, I have fun.  But lately, even after I have fun, I've been having anxiety attacks, too.  That's what last Sunday was.  I posted and then had an awful night with fear and the sense that something bad would soon happen and feeling trapped.  I was thinking about that analogy the other day of feeling trapped.  I was thinking this feeling I have isn't the same as feeling trapped like stuck in some place and you're trying your hardest to get out.  This feeling is one of feeling surrounded by monsters and demons and everything that brings you pain and hurt and fear and having nowhere to escape, thus you are trapped.  See they are different.  One is more debilitating than the other.  One is scarier than the other.

Anyways, as I was saying it's almost the weekend.  Work has been slow this week and I've had to suffer through being kicked out of my office at work so some new software could be installed on my computer and then troubleshooted by someone who knows nothing of what he is doing.  Ugh.  We possibly might be starting a new process at my second job that has more steps for me to do.  Yay :(  Not looking forward to it, but on the bright side, it might give me the chance to get more hours than I'm currently getting.  Money's good, yes?

So I don't know if I'll keep up with this blog much longer. I'm feeling really bad these days and I don't want to spread that on here, if anyone would even stick around for that.  I feel a lot of emotional pain and it's pretty difficult to deal with. My friends tell me to hang in there and it will get better, but I don't believe them. How could it. I can see my problems and I can't fix them. There is someone I want more in my life but this person doesn't want me. And how can I fault them. I'm too emotional, too intense, too depressed, too anxious, unable to be my own source of happiness, and more. 

I'm tired. 

Baseline & Doctor Who update

I have to say I appreciate the comments I get from time to time about my blog. They give me reason to keep posting, even though I don't usually have much to say. 

It was rainy and kind of cold today, but I didn't mind it too much. Still waiting for a good thunderstorm to roll in. I ran out of stuff to do at work today so I went home way early. I didn't know what to do with the free time. My check this week will be much less than normal :(  Yesterday and the second half of Monday I felt really good. Today however I can feel myself coming back down again. I'm not below baseline, but coming down mood-wise causes me to feel a little anxious. Because I know eventually I will go back below baseline and have to feel like crap again and fight my way back up. It's tiring :-/ 

I've almost finished the fourth season of Doctor Who. I must say David Tennant has grown on me. I'm sad that he'll be off the show soon. I was already sad they took Billie Piper off, but those episodes she came back for were brilliant :) I love moments where things just feel epic. That was one of them. It was kind of reminding me of Buffy the Vampire Slayer actually. 

Grateful

It's been a minute. I had a rough night last night and despite a good weekend just didn't feel like posting. But I'm back tonight. Can I just take a moment and say that I'm grateful for all of those who help me through my dark times. I have them a lot lately so I appreciate the support and patience and love and willingness to let me express my feelings especially when they are very intense and not pretty. I'm feeling really good right now and that is amazing considering I was the total opposite of that less than 24 hours ago. I'm very grateful. 

Anger

Things have been rough the last couple of days, inwardly at least. I've been feeling discontent. Easily angered. Speaking of anger I'm listening to my angry playlist today. I have to do a job away from my computer so I'm listening to the iPod to help pass the time, but cuz of the way I'm feeling the Disney playlist just wasn't sounding appealing. 

When I was at the doctor's office this week I was asked if I had anxiety and I struggled to answer cuz I wasn't sure. I don't have panic attacks, but I do feel anxious. One of the questions I had on this questionnaire to determine if I had anxiety was if I get easily irritable. Sometimes, like right now, I do. I think I'm trying to mask the anxiety I feel with anger. Anger will run out of fuel though and I'll be left with the things that I worry about and fear. Probably tonight is when it will happen. 

Blah, I dislike feeling this way.