A trip to the doctor's

I'm in bed now so I guess it's time to write a new post. Today got a little rough for me when I got to my second job, but after awhile I eased out of it. And right now I'm feeling pretty good :)  I worked three jobs today! And I had a visit to the doctor. I had to get some lab work done so they poked me with a needle and took two vials of my blood  0_0  The nurse-lady who did it was really nice though so it was ok. My doctor on the other hand makes me feel...uncomfortable? awkward? like we're not connecting and I just want to get out of there as quick as possible. It's a little frustrating for me. I really like having connections with people. 

Andrew Garfield and Dr Who!!

Holy crap!! Spider-man was on Doctor Who!!! Third season episode 5!! That's awesome

the weekend

Hey everyone, sorry I forgot to post yesterday.  It's been a rough weekend for me and today hasn't been any better.  But I did get out and go somewhere on Saturday.  I went to the new aquarium down in Draper.  It was super busy!  So many people... but the animals I got to see were awesome.  I'd love to go again sometime, perhaps when it is less busy though.  Sunday I continued my movie marathon of the Star Wars series with my friends.  We watched Ep 3 & 4.  I like all the Star Wars movies, but there are things that I wish would be better.  I'm not going to go into it though.  Just not in the mood right now.

Driving my new truck is coming along (it's a manual).  A few random times I've stalled it, like when pulling in my driveway and I run out of momentum, but I'm afraid to give it too much gas while letting off the clutch for fear of it jumping the little space between my and my parent's car too quickly and thus I stalled it...twice.  But for the most part I'm driving well.

Can I just say that fighting/living with/dealing with depression is really hard.  When you get stuck in a funk, it's really hard to get yourself out of it.  And for me, I just want someone to come along and make me feel happier, but it doesn't work that way.  The last couple of nights have been painful and I've felt really alone.  I have friends but I didn't feel like I could talk to any of them, because I know how draining depression is on me and I don't want to be draining to my friends.  I don't want to become someone that they don't want to be around or talk to.  It's just so hard.

Goal

I think it's been awhile. I saw some lightning and heard some thunder today :) Love it. Ready for a big storm. 

So work is getting to me. I get really irritated and I just do not look forward to going, especially when we are busy. It could be worse I concede, but it could also be better. But as long as I need money there isn't much I can do about it :(

I bought a truck as the picture from yesterday illustrates. I like it. It's a manual so I'm getting practiced with a clutch. That's something I've wanted to do since I first learned to drive. I guess I'm finally achieving my goal :)

New truck!

Expectation

I might have some exciting news to share tomorrow. Fingers crossed!

Crazy beautiful weather

It is beautiful outside!!!  All that wind yesterday plus the rain really cleaned the air and it's crispy clear.  I love it.  It's just a little cold :-P  Yesterday when I was down at my third job, when I got there the temperature was in the mid to upper 70s.  I worked for just a little over an hour and by the time I stepped outside to get in my car, it was in the mid to upper 50s!  It was kinda funny.  I watched my thermometer just plummet as I started the engine.  

Well today I am at work waiting for the downfall of lots of stuff to do.  Til then I got nothing.  I guess I will go do the daily jigsaw.

Legend

Still at work here.  I decided to download Audible and listen to a book while working.  I'm listening to Legend.  I know the main girl will change by the end of the book but right now she is just so stuck up, arrogant, proud, and heartless I can't stand her.  Blah!

Dr. Who

Ok, trying to be better today with my post.  So I'm back at work.  I have a little break in between jobs right now...waiting for data so I can do my next job.  In the meantime I got nothin to do which is fine by me.

As I mentioned in a previous post I have been watching Dr Who and yesterday I finished the first season and started the second season.  I didn't know that they were going to regularly be changing the actor who plays the Doctor.  That's weird to me.  And sad.  Cuz what if I like one actor more than another?  Blah.  The SPFX have been better in the second season that the first, I'm assuming because they got more $$$.  It's still not what I am used to but I'm betting that's partly to do with the fact that it's British and also partly to do with the fact that the seasons I've watched so far were done in 2005-6.  I'm interested to see what it will be like when I catch up to the present.  And Billie Piper reminds me of Minnie Driver.  They both have wide jaws.

Ok, anyways, back to work I go.

Today I felt sick and so I stayed home from both jobs.  It was nice.  Now tomorrow I get to go to 3 jobs.  Not much else going on.  Wish  I had more to say.

short one

Today was another fun evening of gaming.  Weekends can be so refreshing after a grueling week.  I don't have much to say right now.  I thank everyone who commented on my previous posts.  Your feedback was appreciated :)

Tomorrow is Easter and I hope if you are celebrating it that you have a good day.  I myself will be dying eggs as part of a long tradition and then eating them!!  Oooh, my mom just brought out the candy, cadbury eggs and other yummy chocolates.  Goooood.

analysis

So I just had a thought and then a question for anyone.  What does it mean that I seek attention and validation from others?  For example, I hate doing things that I find value in by myself because it means more if someone else can be there to share it with me.  I mean, I like riding my motorcycle, but as I'm riding I often have thoughts like, "I wish so-and-so was here to see this".  When I ride my bike to work I am hoping my co-workers are seeing me on the bike and liking it.  When I've done something that took a lot of effort and time and skills on my part I want someone to see what I did and preferably compliment me on it.  It's like, Am I really living if no one else is there to live with me or to see me living?

I feel like I can get into that more, and that I'm not being as explanatory as I'd like to be.  But that is going to have to do for now cuz I gotta get back to work.

Deep thoughts tonight

Ups and downs, ups and downs. 

Last Tuesday I went to see a doctor and today I went to see a doctor. Two separate experiences for two different purposes and two different medical professionals. Today should have been the appointment to dislike but I had a great experience today. And it all had to do with the personalities of the doctors I saw. One made me feel more at ease and kinda happy than the other, even when getting something done that I wasn't looking forward to. I left the office feeling happy and light. My morning job was good today. No mishaps or incidents to upset me. So first half of the day=good. Then I got to my second job and found out I had to do crappy stuff. Plus there is someone there that I don't really like and today was a day I had less tolerance than other days for that person. Luckily I got to play driver and leave the office for a bit. So when I left I was feeling good again, listening to my music with the windows down and enjoying the sunshine. After getting home I went for a ride on my bike which was lovely. Felt really free. Then I came home and caught up in a few tv shows I missed during the week. Thoughts started creeping in, the negative kind. Now a few hours later I am feeling like crap again. Very briefly think of something that is personal for you that makes you feel despair about your hopes and dreams, something legitimate that sinks into your heart and kills all things good and hopeful and light. Don't think too long on it!! I just want it to be known that that is how I was feeling and am still feeling. It sucks and I can't get out of it. 

So I'm going to be religious for a sec, those of you who want to can stop reading now...

I wonder if Christ knew what it felt like, to really really want something and not be able to have it. I kinda feel like because he was so perfect he doesn't know what it feels like to be obsessive about something, to want something so badly in an unhealthy way. Not my will but thine. It feels like he never had his own separate will though, like he never even wanted to do something contrary to heavenly father's. Of course "thy will be done". It's just frustrating because I feel like he doesn't get it. I can't think of him and say he let his will be swallowed up in the father's so I should be able to do that too, cuz he and I are absolutely nothing alike. I am deeply deeply flawed and I can't just stop wanting something or someone that I want so badly it hurts deep down in my soul and makes life seem less desirable. 

Now I feel tired. 

...

Last night was not so great. I got home around 7:00 and just wanted to sit and watch a tv show then go to bed. Well I couldn't do the first so I just went to bed. Now it's about 6:00am and I'm at my morning job getting ready to work. Have to go to the doctor again today, ugh. Not looking forward to it but I'll be glad to have it done. 

So I started watching Doctor Who yesterday while placing stamps on envelopes at work. Saw the first three episodes. I'm withholding my critique of it til I watch more of it. Jury is still out :) 

Sleep deprived

Well I did it. I did three jobs today. And I rode my bike. Now I'm way tired and something might be wrong with my bike. I'm feeling far past spent. And I'm feeling vulnerable. It's just been a very very long day and I'm ready to sleep forever. 

three jobs isn't so bad...right?

I don't have much to write tonight.  I should've exercised when I got home from work, but I was tired and still a little sore from working this morning.  So I didn't.  I don't know where to find the fire to get moving.  I think about going for a run or a bicycle ride or to the gym and I just feel tired thinking about it.  Maybe I'm working too much?  I am gone from 5am to 5pm with only my driving time in between jobs as my break.  I don't know.  I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow and I'm planning on talking to him about medication.  I used to be on some but it ran out and since I had no insurance but was about to get some I figured I'd wait til I was covered to make a doc appointment.  It just happened to be about 2ish months of waiting where I went off of my meds.  I don't even have any symptoms of withdrawal anymore (those were annoying).  So we'll see.  Maybe medicine would make a difference.

My friend a few weeks back asked me to help her with some stuff relating to my previous job.  I said sure because if it gives me an opportunity to see and hang out with her for a bit then it's worth it.  But now I found out tonight that she might not even be there.  I'm a little torn.  Under different circumstances I'd be fine even with her not there.  However I work 2 jobs and this would mean going to a third one, all back-to-back.  I said I'd do it though, so I guess I will go.  :-/  I feel like I might get sucked back in to this 3rd job though.  Maybe that wouldn't be so bad.  It's not like I really hang out with people.  And I do need the money.  But the company I used to work for really needs to find someone else to do what they want me to help out with.  Because I won't be there when it gets really busy and they need the extra pair of hands.

Blah, I think I will ride my bike tomorrow.  At least then I can enjoy the ride from one place to the next.

Captain America 2 & Rio 2

Ok so I'm going to do my review for two movies that I saw over the last two weekends. First, Captain America 2 :)

I've been excited for this movie. When the first one came out it was all set in WWII times and was cool but not as cool as I had hoped. Then Avengers showed us a more up-to-date Captain but because of all the players and the storyline there wasn't much time to focus just on the Captain. So finally this installment delivered for me. We got to see more fighting, answered some questions about how Rogers was dealing with his cliffhanger past, just offered an enjoyable and relatable (I think) storyline and plot. Plus Captain America is just a good guy, he does what's right and I like that in a character. He has morals and holds to them. And the movie got me really excited for Avengers 2. 

I also saw Rio 2 this weekend. I wasn't expecting much from this movie. Mostly I wanted to hear the music because I quite enjoyed it in the first movie. And I felt like the music was good in the sequel as well. I like the big numbers involving lots of singers and rhythms and chanting and it just makes you want to move your body. I've noticed John Powell, who composed the music for Rio 2, does well with that type of music.  One of the first songs that I noticed of his was from Ice Age 2? with the all the mini sloths chanting and singing. 

SPOILER

The one moment that had me actually laughing with delight was to hear Kristin Chenoweth's voice coming from a bright pink frog in her silly but very talented way of singing about deadly love. I love her. Think she's a hoot. Was happy to hear her voice in the movie. :)

So there's my two cents. Hope you found them helpful/entertaining/informative/silly/not too spoiling/enticing/whatever ;)

good day today

Wow, what a great day today was.  The weather was wonderful, I stayed busy being creative and doing, I spent the day with good friends, and I played games and had pizza for dinner!  Oh, and I rode my bike ;P  Haha, really though, it was just a really good day.  I needed it.

So, I have to say, because I make observations just in passing, I noticed some things in my emotions today.  There is someone that I've gotten to hang out with that I noticed I feel happy around.  You know there are just people out there that resonate with us on our levels and make us feel good just because of who they are.  I now have met someone like that and it makes me feel happy right now.  Yay :)

Ok well I just wanted to share my positivity.  PS, I saw some awesome lightning tonight after gaming and visiting with friends.

trying an early day post

Ok, I just got to my second job and so I'm going to try and type a post right now while I'm still feeling pretty decent.  Apparently today is my one year anniversary of working at OnTrac.  Woohoo, I stayed committed for a year. ;) Today is also doughnut Friday!  I just finished eating my delicious glazed doughnut.  I look forward to Fridays :D

Now I don't know what else to say.  :P  Hmmm, I'll have to come back again and maybe type another post later.  Ciao!

No title

I feel tired physically and emotionally. I don't know how your Facebook newsfeeds look but mine has a fair amount of posts and articles about issues of our day and it's worn me out today. The overall feeling I get is one of anxiety and disappointment and the thoughts that come are of how messed up our world is. 

I'm tired. I have a gray boring cloud over me. I might stay off of Facebook for awhile, but then I don't know what I'll do to stay sane at work. 

A person I work with, who doesn't know me and I don't know him, his dad died. A lot of the warehouse crew took the day off to go to his funeral today. I feel bad for him in a distant sort of way. I think I have an idea of some of the feelings associated with losing a loved one, but I feel cold enough about my own circumstances right now that I'm not really empathizing with him. 

Has anyone else noticed a definite downward trend to my blog lately? I have and I can't seem to break it. Maybe I should start writing from work when I first get there. I'm usually in a better mood then. 

I miss my friend. 

MIA no more

I missed a day O_O

Sorry about that.  Yesterday had a rough patch in the middle of the day.  I had to go home way early from work (approx 1:30ish) and I was freaking out about having to go home and not knowing what to do and being alone with no one to talk to or see.  So my mom came home early around 3ish and we spent the rest of the evening playing on the Wii.  I did also wash my car and my motorcycle.  They iz shiny now ;)  In fact I rode my bike to work today so I could show it off :)

Now I'm at work, trying to make up for the fact that I missed posting yesterday!  I kind of have work to do today.  Normally for my job I process data and print out the paper work and staple a copy of the job it's for to the paper work. However today I do not have any copies of the jobs we're doing next week.  So I'm doing the paper work but creating a pile which I will get to go through again tomorrow and match it up with the appropriate copy of the job.  See, I kind of have work, half the work, to do today.  I'm really not complaining.  I'm glad I don't have to go home early again today.  And tomorrow is FRIDAY!!!  Woohoo!

Ok back to work!

Jedi mind tricks

Well, it didn't last long.  I am feeling just a tad anxious right now.  I'm thinking about going to bed. 

They say that acceptance can help you feel at peace even about things that you don't like.  However, if you accept something, it doesn't mean you forever accept it, at least not with me.  I at one moment can feel like I've accepted my situation and then a day later I think I've not accepted it again.  I'm not fighting my situation, but I'm not....here's an analogy.  It's like I'm still standing and not sitting down.  I'm not fighting, but I'm not sitting down either, so I guess there is still some fighting going on, passive aggressive fighting. 

I'm trying not to fight.  I'm trying to tell my heart that it needs to stop and let it go.  It will be ok.  But my heart keeps feeling afraid.  I keep feeling afraid.  And fear makes it hard to feel peace through acceptance.  Fear also makes it hard to have hope.  In this situation the practice of facing my fear doesn't work.  So how do I overcome my fear?  I guess mantras, breathing, mindfulness, etc.  Mind tricks I like to call them.  JEDI MIND TRICKS!  Lol, ok that gave me a smile. 

I've been told when we do things and think things it creates neural pathways in the brain.  So when you do or think the same things over and over again it starts to ingrain the pathway in the brain, ie. habits.  In order to create new pathways you have to keep thinking or doing something different over and over until eventually the old pathway becomes covered in...weeds, or whatever paths do when they discontinue to be used.  I can't think of the term.  In muscle terminology it would be atrophy.  I've got some pretty deeply ingrained negative thinking neural pathways that are a major pain in my neck to overcome.  Yet someone who's known me for 3 years now says that she has seen progress, of me changing the way I think about things and changing how I react and act about certain things.  So that's good I suppose.

a much better post I promise

Hey everyone.  Sorry about the last few posts.  It was a rough week.  I am feeling better right now though, so this should be a good lighthearted post. 

I love the weather right now!  It's warm.  There are tulips blossoming in my front yard, 3 lovely yellows and one bright red.  They make me happy to see them.  I also noticed some new life growing on the rose bushes too.  I love my front yard when the trees are full of leaves, the grass is thick and green, and the flowers are all blooming, and the sky is blue, the birds are chirping, a slight breeze is in the air, there is just so much life!  I love it!  And of course my kitties come and see me and sometimes follow me around the yard.  :)

I've been out riding my motorcycle too, getting better at the skills I've learned.  I really want to find some people to go riding with.  So if you read this and you want to take me up on that offer just let me know.  I'm also going to be doing some searching to see if I can find a group to ride with.  I'm gonna be in a biker gang!!  Hahaha.

Well it's late, and morning comes fast for me.  Goodnight everyone!

Mormon Apostle

I'm ready to go to sleep and am just lying in bed listening to the conference talks I missed. 

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2014/04?lang=eng&vid=3438304098001&cid=4

I appreciate Pres. Uchtdorf. I know he isn't teaching anything that the other general authorities haven't also taught, but he says it in such a way that it reaches me. When he speaks I feel a little more comfort and hope. I'm grateful he is an Apostle right now. 

The weekend

By most accounts this weekend has been a good weekend. I went to a baseball game, had breakfast/lunch with friends, saw captain america, and spent the night with friends watching movies and enjoying good company. I also rode my bike several times. I had fun and felt mostly happy. 

Yet I feel sad and wish I could change what is causing me to feel this way. I feel like I am losing a friend. I am sitting right now listening to Conference and feeling worse. I find no comfort from the things that are being shared right now. I hate losing friends. It is the greatest source of pain I've experienced in my life, when the friend is someone I have grown close to and had hopes for. 

I know, time is the only remedy.  I think also how I feel about being alone is mixed in with how I feel about losing a friend...making it bigger, more acute. 

I'm so ready for a different life. 

Bees bikes and better tomorrows

I am so ready for warmer weather. I went for a ride tonight on my bike and it was so cold. And I think it was only 50°. Probably just a few degrees below that. Anyways I was thinking how nice it will be to ride my motorcycle when it's a lot warmer. 

I went to a baseball game tonight with a friend. The home team won so that was pretty good. My friend's friends were quite loud and liked to heckle the away team a lot. That's not really my style but it's not my place to stop them or tell them what they shouldn't do. They had fun so whatever :)

Tomorrow is looking to be a good day so I am pretty optimistic about it. I think I will be seeing the movie Captain America. 

Succinct

Well, today was not the greatest, it was barely even good. Kinda felt hurt. But whatever, I don't want to talk about it. 

Got my bike back today. Felt good to ride it again. Now could the weather please warm up?

In my head

I've put a lot of effort into learning to not be afraid of things. Spiders, creepy crawlers, snakes, walking alone at night, scary movies, death---things I'm not afraid of. Yet, you know that feeling you get when you have to take a test? It's not as nerve-racking as having to perform or speak in public before tens of thousands of people. I mean the slightly anxious feeling you sometimes get but it's small enough you can sort of put it in the back of your mind. I feel like I have that feeling  every day. Just a small knot of anxiety that I've been living with for a long time now. 

I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't know if I can. It feels like something needs to happen so I can feel better. Sure I can be distracted from it, but it never goes away. 

I just realized all this tonight while lying awake in bed. I was trying to think of times when I didn't feel this way and there are a few moments, I think. It's hard to say because my memories could be faulty. 

I don't know what I would like to happen about this. Obviously I want to feel at ease and at peace, but the thing with anxiety is that it makes it hard for you to act and cause change, because you feel too anxious about it.  Constantly fighting the desire to curl up in bed and zone out. Or the desire to do anything that would numb the feeling. It's a downward spiral for sure. 

Need a break. 

My mom's tulips are about to bloom. I knelt down to look at one today and told it that it needed to wait just a few more days cuz it was still too cold for it to open up. 

poof! i'm back

Missed a day.  Crap?

I decided to go to bed early last night, like 7pm early. 

I've been in recluse mode lately.  Not really wanting to talk much.  Ever feel overloaded by too much analytical thinking and the emotions that tie in to the thoughts?  I guess that's me right now.  Does anyone else feel kinda blah when they lay their feelings on a particular subject on the line and get no feedback?  Lol, I guess what can you expect if you are talking to a pet, or a tree, or the sky, or an empty room.  That kinda made me smile imagining that.

Ever think about how cool the snow line on a mountain side looks?  As I was driving home today I was noticing that on our mountains, the line where everything up got snowed on but everything below received rain.  It's amazing.  In the atmosphere there is a definite point between warm enough to be rain and cold enough to be snow.  I wonder what it would look like if that layer was color coded.  I guess it would kinda be like raising through a cloud or smog.

Kinda feeling down tonight.