Last Tuesday I went to see a doctor and today I went to see a doctor. Two separate experiences for two different purposes and two different medical professionals. Today should have been the appointment to dislike but I had a great experience today. And it all had to do with the personalities of the doctors I saw. One made me feel more at ease and kinda happy than the other, even when getting something done that I wasn't looking forward to. I left the office feeling happy and light. My morning job was good today. No mishaps or incidents to upset me. So first half of the day=good. Then I got to my second job and found out I had to do crappy stuff. Plus there is someone there that I don't really like and today was a day I had less tolerance than other days for that person. Luckily I got to play driver and leave the office for a bit. So when I left I was feeling good again, listening to my music with the windows down and enjoying the sunshine. After getting home I went for a ride on my bike which was lovely. Felt really free. Then I came home and caught up in a few tv shows I missed during the week. Thoughts started creeping in, the negative kind. Now a few hours later I am feeling like crap again. Very briefly think of something that is personal for you that makes you feel despair about your hopes and dreams, something legitimate that sinks into your heart and kills all things good and hopeful and light. Don't think too long on it!! I just want it to be known that that is how I was feeling and am still feeling. It sucks and I can't get out of it.
So I'm going to be religious for a sec, those of you who want to can stop reading now...
I wonder if Christ knew what it felt like, to really really want something and not be able to have it. I kinda feel like because he was so perfect he doesn't know what it feels like to be obsessive about something, to want something so badly in an unhealthy way. Not my will but thine. It feels like he never had his own separate will though, like he never even wanted to do something contrary to heavenly father's. Of course "thy will be done". It's just frustrating because I feel like he doesn't get it. I can't think of him and say he let his will be swallowed up in the father's so I should be able to do that too, cuz he and I are absolutely nothing alike. I am deeply deeply flawed and I can't just stop wanting something or someone that I want so badly it hurts deep down in my soul and makes life seem less desirable.
Now I feel tired.
I liked your blog for today. Although something caught my eye. You said "Jesus and yourself are nothing alike. That he didn't have wants or needs of his own" don't forget just a few days ago before they killed him at the last super he prayed to Heavenly Father saying "please father remove this cup from me". He didn't want to do it. Heavenly Father reminded him that it his job his will to die for man kind.
ReplyDeleteNot saying your thoughts aren't invalid just something that came to mind while reading this. I'm glad your feeling better though. It shows me that were all equal.
I know what it's like to want something you can't have. It stinks but, you live with it the best way you can. In my story I'm friends with the person I can't have and I've slowly grew ok with it. I rather have them in my life then not at all
What I wrote are literally the thoughts that I had as I was processing my feelings. I know he didn't want to go through with the Atonement, it's just that he and I are on such different levels. Hard to remember and always believe that he has felt how I felt, when he is so much better and ahead of me in every way.
DeleteI think the thing about the atonement is that it is deeply personal for each person and the Savior. It's hard to imagine that he has "felt it all" even all the things you feel.
ReplyDeleteSomething I have learned about the atonement for me lately is that sometimes its not about being rid of the sin or weakness permanently, but the attitude and the amount of effort you put forth to do good. You will probably still have the same challenges, but you can use it to do good and to help other people who have similar circumstances. No matter what it is you struggle with, there is a real and deep love always from God. It can be hard to feel at times, I've been there! But the kinder you are to yourself, the more you love yourself, the more you give yourself some compassion, the more you will be able to feel God's love. The only reason I know this is because I tend to be negative, impatient, and hurtful in my thoughts toward myself and I felt like God was always mad at me. Then one day it's like something clicked and I knew I needed to be nice to myself. I needed to see myself as God sees me. I needed to give love to myself. I feel like I am rambling here trying to get my point out and it's not working very well, haha. Just no matter what, be good to yourself.
Also, I was once told that whenever you have negative thoughts, usually it starts with "I". "I always" "I never" etc, and that is Satans tool, to drag you down and get yourself to believe "I am not worth it." But when God speaks to you, he says "You." For example, when I was feeling particularly bad about myself, I laid on my bed and I remember thinking, "Heavenly Father, I SUCK! I'm sorry I keep disappointing you. I'm just not _____ enough" and then the words came "No, YOU are my daughter. YOU are worth it."
Whew, geez sorry for taking so long. Haha! Also, I love Mary's comment about how the Savior asked if the bitter cup could be removed. Good stuff!
I agree with you. It's just hard to be kind in general when I feel so crappy, let alone be kind to myself.
DeleteI really like what Mary and Crystal have to say.
ReplyDeleteAdding to their thoughts a little bit. I can't imagine that Jesus wanted to die. I can'y imagine that he didn't want a normal life like everyone else would get. But I CAN imagine that he loved heavenly father so much that he volunteered himself to be the sacrifice because one was required. I CAN imagine that he loved all of us (his siblings) so much that he wanted us to have the opportunity to repent of our sins and have a chance at eternal life with our heavenly father. I believe that his desire for our well being overpowered his desire to live life as everyone else would. He put heavenly father's will above his own which would be one of the hardest things in that situation. But he was strong enough. And we are told that he suffered all things in the garden of Gethsemane, not just physical pain, but our emotional, mental and spiritual pain as well. The atonement is for much more than repentance.
I'm sorry you keep dealing with a roller coaster of emotions.I do really like what Crystal said about loving yourself and how the negative thoughts work. Just keep living and going on. Thats all we can do.
Thanks for commenting Jennie. I agree with what you are saying, like I was telling Mary, those were just my thoughts at the moment when I wrote the blog. I know what he did but it's hard to relate with him. So it get's frustrating as I'm sitting there on my bed feeling like crap because I want something and it hurts to not have it in my life, and then to have the thought, "Well you're supposed to give up your want, give up your will to Heavenly Father's like Jesus did." And then I felt angry cuz I'm already hurting and that thought just made me feel more pain cuz I didn't want to do the right thing. Huh, guess I know where that thought came from....
DeleteAnyways, I get what you're saying. :)
I like all comments. A thought I have is when we are able to give our will over to God and do his plan, there are unnumbered blessings for us.
ReplyDelete