Sunday ride

So today was nice. I went for a ride. Went up Emigration Canyon, then through East Canyon and then back to the valley through Weber Canyon. Saw lots of other peoples out on bikes too. My arms got a little sunburnt. 

Well it's time to begin another week. But at least this one is a short one. 

I added some window stickers to my truck today. Got them on my birthday :D

Happy Birthday

So today was my birthday. And to celebrate I played mini golf with my parents. Then we went and played arcade games and I won the jackpot on one of the games by popping the balloon. Got over 600 tickets :) so I got a stuffed turtle as my prize. He's cute. I've gotten a lot of happy birthday wishes and it's been really great to receive them. I wish I could see everyone in person and spend some time with them. One day it will happen :) 

Weekend review

I'm feeling alright right now. It was a fairly busy day but it was good. 

I neglected to mention what I did last weekend. Since Wednesday is my birthday I got together with a few friends and went to Boondocks Friday night. I think we all had a lot of fun. I did anyway. It's been awhile since I've laughed so hard I couldn't breathe. Then on Saturday I went shooting with some other friends as well as having dinner and a movie with them on Sunday. I'm grateful to have these friends. 

Relationships mean a lot to me. That doesn't mean I'm good at them, but trying to maintain them is what I aim to do. I feel like I fail in this a lot, but I would keep on trying to be better. 

Heart stuff

Are there people out there who are kind and compassionate and who love others warts and all? I know things get in the way, like anger, frustration, impatience, hurt feelings, or fear, but are there people out there who will put the other first and be unconditional in their care and love towards the other? 

Tonight I'm feeling like the differences between me and someone/anyone else are too great of an obstacle to overcome. I want friendship and connection and understanding and compassion and the spirit of working together to help and forgiveness and unconditional love...everywhere. I want it at work, at home, anywhere there are people. I want the spirit of love/family/friendship to exist everywhere in everyone. I wish no ill-will on anyone and I wish I could always be a friend and kind to everyone. 

I want to find someone, many, who can see the depth of my heart and cherish it. I want to find people who can see the real me and want me in their lives. 

Job stuff

Oh boy, am I glad for this week to be over. It hasn't been a bad week persay, but it's been a rough one, specifically in the mornings, at my morning job. Today I even had 4 of my drivers helping sort boxes because so many of them were coming down the line at a time. They don't have to help. And usually I only have one helping at a time, not always the same one. I guess that's the bright side. I have good people around me at that job that counterbalance the stress that comes from it. 

Dragon and Tomorrow

It's another rainy Tuesday.  Don't know about you but this weather is putting me in a mood :-/  I'm at work right now.  Just finished boxing up 26 trays for UPS to come get.  I'm a little tired now from it.  And I have nothing else left to do so as soon as my boss realizes this he will most likely send me home.  Which isn't too bad today I guess.  

So, I saw some movies over the weekend that I never formally reviewed for you on here.  First was How to Train Your Dragon 2.  Loved it!!  Toothless is just too funny and cute and awesome and I want one! I'm not totally sure if I was thrilled with the storyline, but all of the funny aside moments with Toothless and some of the other dragons made the movie well worthwhile.  I'd still definitely see it again if the opportunity presented itself.  

Second was the Edge of Tomorrow.  Also really liked this movie, too.  I think Emily Blunt is awesome, and I was nowhere near annoyed of Tom Cruise at all, which is saying something.  The ending was a little confusing in that I can't really figure out how it makes sense, but I liked it so I won't complain :)  For a war/action movie I thought the comedy in this was great.  The premise of the story if  you haven't heard is that Tom Cruise's character keeps reliving the same day over and over again, but the only way he repeats the day is when he dies.  So there are some pretty funny scenes where Cruise's and Emily Blunt's characters are training and he keeps getting seriously injured so she shoots him in the head to "reset" the day, over and over again.  There are some important reasons as to why he has to die, but I'll let you see the movie to figure that out.

Good movies.  Good weekend.  My next movie will probably be Transformers.  Til then....

Self-awareness moment

Been awhile. Things have been mostly good lately, a few dips but mostly ups. Tonight I was with friends playing games. I think I'm a fairly self-observant person, always on the self-analyzing side of things. There is a person in my circle of friends who incites emotions of irritation, impatience, pettiness, unkindness, and anger in me. He doesn't do it on purpose, it's just his personality that I don't often like. And I dislike that I can't be better than I am when it comes to dealing with him. I snapped a little bit tonight and said something with unkindness toward him and immediately felt ashamed of myself. And that of course just added to my anger. 

I'm sometimes known by others to be kind and nice. And that's how I want to be known, that's who I want to be. I want to be kind to others. I value that attribute and aspire to make it a part of who I am. So I don't like it when I come across people that I don't like and start to both feel and do mean things towards. I try to keep it in check or find ways to change my perspective of that person, but sometimes I snap. And then I feel bad. 

[sigh] Just wish I could be better at loving others and being patient and seeing the good. 

Movies, rolls, and games

It's been a few days, figure I needed to post. Not much new. I saw Maleficent on Friday. I really liked it. It was my kind of story. I also went swimming this weekend and got some sun. Monday was my dad's birthday so to celebrate we ate at Texas Roadhouse, yum! I love their rolls. They're so delicious. This weekend I'm supposed to see How to Train Your Dragon 2 as well as that new Tom Cruise/Emily Blunt movie. I can't wait to see cute Toothless again. Gaming last Saturday was interesting. Have you ever played a game where u had an insane amount of money to get everything you needed and more to prepare your character for ANY situation she might face? Yeah that happened to me and my friends and we spent hours trying to buy the best and still didn't finish. Pretty overwhelming. 

An encounter with cows

Feeling lonely tonight. 

I went for a ride on my bicycle today. And met a whole herd of cows being led down the road I was on. It was crazy. The cows were nervous of me. I stopped and waited for all of them to pass and they walked clear on the opposite side of the road from me so as to keep as much distance from me as possible. They were being steered by three women and one girl. One of the women rode passed me on a horse at a fast trot. She was in jeans and a sports bra, hair back in a loose ponytail, silver earrings that hung from her ears. She had an athletic build. I thought she looked amazing, like something I admire, and she reminded me of a friend who I'm trying to get over :-/ I felt a little heartsick as I watched her ride passed. 

So even though I exercised and watched a good movie later tonight with my mom, I am feeling lonely. And a little unloved. I know I'm loved. But I feel like I'm not. I feel abandoned and left alone. :(

Happiness

A few days ago I had the beginning of a thought :P  It had to do with feeling emotions more deeply than the average experience of feeling. Ah yes, I remember now. I was thinking about how I have such a hard time trying to find things that make me happy. I had the idea that maybe I have such a hard time because my experiences of feeling happy have been strong deep experiences and so trying to replicate that same level of intensity doesn't often work and I am left feeling what I describe as neutral or sometimes even "blah". And this discourages me because I want to feel like I did before. I guess it becomes a trick of perception. After all neutral is better than misery, and we can't feel really happy all the time. That leaves me with the task of fighting the anxiety I start to feel when it seems like I'm slipping down the happiness scale toward misery. It all comes back to trying to focus on the positives...and breathing :)

Thank you

Alright, well, I already knew my friends were good people :)  I was a little nervous about my post last night, but I had a good feeling that most of the people I know would be understanding. And you were :) Thank you everyone both family and friends for your support and kind words. It's been uplifting to read all your comments. Thank you for seeing the good in me. 

Another big one.

Can't sleep. Got a lot going through my head tonight. I've decided I'm going to reveal something about myself. Some of you already know this. To my family members who don't know this and this is a surprise, I hope you can get to a point of understanding. To the people in my ward, know that this thing I'm about to reveal is a big reason why I have such a hard time going to church.  

Ok drumroll.... 

I am attracted to women. No idea how this makes you feel. So if I get any comments then I'll address them. How this makes me feel though is pretty complicated. Conflicted would be an understatement. 

I don't know how much I want to divulge.... This thing that is a part of me touches many different aspects of my life and does influence my depression and anxiety in many ways. I won't go so far as to say it is the root of them. Let's just say it's all simbiotic. 

In a different vein of this topic I say that I need people in my life. Good and kind people who are understanding and care. I'm trying to love myself and find happiness in myself, but people, important people, enrich my life and bring more happiness than I could have on my own. 

Part of my anxiety comes from the fear and pain of rejection and abandonment and so I have a hard time having people in my life. I get hurt really easily and this makes me want to isolate myself for protection. I also get very down on myself and thus have another reason to want to isolate so I don't spread my negativity to others. 

How are these two things related? I don't know, they just seem to be in my head. Ok. I'm ready for the ripples of reaction.