Search This Blog

Sunday, September 28, 2014

a soul-revealing post

My friend texted me last night, the one who I haven't communicated with for a while, the one who I was afraid I wouldn't see again.  I get the sense that she's keeping a wall up but still trying to make contact with me.  I don't why she wants to and that bothers me.  [Yes, not understanding the why in most things does bother me.]  She texted me again today, once again just chit-chat type stuff.  I feel like I am trying to keep a shy animal from running away from me.  Only if it runs away I will feel more than just mildly disappointed.  I will feel really hurt and have to deal with my emotions and try to get back to baseline, which will take awhile.  A stray animal running would register like a 2 on the emotional richter scale, whereas texting my friend is a 6 and could turn into an 8 or 9 with the slightest wrong move.  Outwardly I know I look ok, but inwardly there is a panic brewing that I'm trying to...not avoid because I know I can't avoid it...more that I'm trying to weather it.  And I wish so so badly it would be gone and over with now, or even better that it never would have existed at all.  The latter is definitely not possible at this point though, so that's not helpful.

Writing is helping.  

Since I last saw her I've been struggling with feelings of abandonment and rejection, trying to see what true reality is and not just my perception, trying to deal with the pain, trying to have hope that my life will get better even if that means that she isn't in it, really trying to find hope that even if she isn't in it now that maybe one day in a distant future the loss I'm feeling now will be compensated and though I can't have the connection I long to have now that I will have a connection of a different kind with her in the future.

I think that I sound obsessive. :(  Maybe I am.  I'm trying not to be.  

Ok, getting a break in the emotions.  That's good.  I'm going to go read now.  Later.

1 comment: