Alright, tonight I am feeling a little down. This was going to happen eventually. Can I talk about how I feel? Is that ok? Here goes...
In 3 months I will be turning 29. I know to most of you this isn't that old, however I don't know what I am doing with my life. I have no vision of what I want my life to be. There are things that I want in my life, mostly meaningful relationships that last and a certain someone to spend my life with. But I just don't feel like those things are in the cards for me. I don't know what else to do. There have been a few people that I've met recently that I could see myself spending my life with. I might have been seeing through rose-colored glasses, but I am a believer in working to make relationships strong and worthwhile. Nevertheless, it takes two to make a relationship work, and my dreams have often been crushed by a harsh reality.
I feel alone. I feel this desperate need for connection and closeness and the need is so strong it's often like some wild ravenous animal that I work constantly at keeping it in a cage and hidden. Does anyone have similar experiences, where they want something so badly so strongly that sometimes it's hard to keep it under control? I know this is a human condition. I know there are those of you out there who have/and still feel the same way.
I often think about what is the right thing to do, and what should I do. Tonight I am relieving myself of that burden and just letting it be. Tonight I miss someone and I wish I could have a meaningful heart-to-heart conversation with them. Tonight I am sad because I can't do that.
I feel ya! I just turned 28 a few days ago and sometimes I am not sure what to do either. Even though a relationship is wonderful, you are still you, and you have a lot to offer the world as you are. I panic sometimes because I want kids and don't have them yet and it terrifies me because what if I never do!? I have ALWAYS just wanted to be a mom, but I am learning there is a lot more to me than that, and maybe there is something else I can do while I wait for that opportunity. I know it isn't easy to just figure out what it is about you that you want to use in the world, but don't be afraid to find it even if it takes awhile. :) That's my two cents. I don't know if it made any sense.. haha.
ReplyDeleteYou know, it's funny you said,
Delete"you are still you, and you have a lot to offer the world as you are",
and
"I know it isn't easy to just figure out what it is about you that you want to use in the world, but don't be afraid to find it even if it takes awhile."
I went and got a priesthood blessing tonight from a member of the bishopric and in the blessing it said basically the same thing, to see me with honest eyes and use my gifts to help others. I took that to mean that I had to figure out what my gifts are and who I am really, not just my opinion of myself. Idk, I see similar themes at work between the blessing and your comment :)
Priesthood blessings are the best and they are definitely inspired. I've always noticed you have an intense love and respect for all kinds of animals. It may not seem like a talent but not everyone is willing to protect and care for them like you do!
ReplyDeleteThanks :) I'm glad you see it as a talent and not a sign of instability or insanity. Or that I care less for humans. I've been realizing I do still care for people too, but I have more fear in my feelings for humans that get in my way of my care for them.
ReplyDelete